PokeWars: An Orrian Ranger's Guide Things You Should Not Be Fighting
by Agent of Chaos 112
Summary: In accordance to the rapid changes in warfare our men are experiencing in our recovery campaign in Johto, I have commissioned one of our resources back home to analyze the various Pokemon we are likely to deal with in the field. He has the military experience, resources, and scientific knowledge. He is the best man for the job...and a grade A asshole. @# % this guy.
1. Chapter 1: Introduction

When I said that I wanted to begin contributing to the front again, this wasn't what I had in mind.

Granted, there's less cushy positions than sitting in a bunker, hundreds of feet beneath the sands of the least hospitable environment on Earth, with nothing but greasy back room boys and cranky old wise men that think the common tongue tastes like ash, with my only reading material being the ravings of a madman that somehow guesses questions he can't possible know more right than wrong with answers he can't possibly have, but what the hell? It's as boring as can be. Not even a division to command, just a bunch of NERDS and a keyboard.

Granted, blah blah blah liaison, blah blah blah military expertise, blah blah blah necessary resources, blah blah blah important positions- and fuck it. Edit this out. You've hired someone to scrub my work, so make him work for his due.

* * *

 **Thesis:** The purpose of this dossier is to give basic working information for those in the field, with regards to our fellow creatures on this lovely continent, within the Kanto/Johto regions, by evolutionary line in order of the assigned dex # in accordance with the pokedex project. This information will cover basic history (the most basic), basic biology (the same), sociology, where to find them, how best to kill them, how to eat them, and how to cuddle the cute sons of bitches (only the most kawai, to use the local slang), and how not to get your face ripped off/melted/incinerated, and how not to get your ass ripped in two/off/melted/incinerated/eaten.

* * *

 **Biology:** Know thy enemy, and how best to choke, maim, and most effectively commit chemical warfare upon him, and how he'll mangle your sorry ass, and you need not fear the outcome of a hundred battles.

Granted, with the limited knowledge of our soldiers in the field, they may soon resort to Unovan pop music, of course, that carries significant risk to their own lives, in addition to violating Humane Combat Conventions (under supersonic weaponry bans, and cruel and unusual punishment).

That tangent aside, there are two challenges with covering basic biology of even the most common pokemon. Firstly, Kantonese and Johtoan science is a farce. While they have decent behavioral case studies, everything else is a laughing stock that makes me wonder why they think WE are savages. Bluntly, they DON'T study anatomy and physiology, they don't study kinetics, chemistry or biochemistry. They don't know HOW pokemon do what they do.

Second of all, a lot of pokemon anatomy is fucked up, so incredibly fucked up beyond unfucking. It was fucked up before the Shattering and it's ESPECIALLY fucked up now, like a godamn horror movie fact checked by an undergraduate science major. Considering the nonsensical nature of pokemon science, producing a cohesive summary is difficult.

Nonetheless, each summary will contain basic information of what pokemon do, how they do it, how to exploit it, and where to shoot them. If anyone that knows more chemistry than I do is able to figure "Wow, what an amazing opportunity to create a chemical/improvised weapon that likely violates several international laws and kills like nobody's business"… so much the better.

* * *

 **History:** Not really important in the least for our boys, but some of these entries relied upon HIS RECORD, which require some historical context.

Plus, the shit's entertaining.

* * *

 **Psychology and Sociology:** Just what it sounds like. Generally a good idea to knowing when they want to kill you, and how to keep them from wanting to kill you long enough to stab them in the back. Basic shit, take advantage of how your enemy thinks, make him do what you want to do. Not much else to say on this, except maybe Kantonese is a little less shitty in this respect, so it can be assumed to be a reference. So congrats, fuck ups, your shit didn't amount to less than nothing in the end after all. Sucks that now we have to save your world for you.

* * *

 **Combat:** Now for the meat. I should say now, that all of the information in this document is speculation, and speculation from the great and powerful ME is still speculation, so take this to be a baseline of the abilities of the enemy. Though to be honest, if you're in the field right now and assume that this document is the infallible holy bible of monster killing, I advise you to go find the nearest agricultural arcology, and farm turnips for the rest of your miserable life, you fucking dumbass.

Now that the essentials are out of the way, we can get to the details.

While titled combat, a more accurate description is "The many ways these can intentionally or accidentally cause you great bodily harm, and how to prevent them from doing so." This portion will focus on environmental hazards caused by the enemy, preferred means of combat, problems that arise from unchecked propagation.. etcetera, etcetera, and whatever the fuck I want to say.

With regards to combat specifically, I will cover the moves and weapons preferred by the enemy, with the scenarios they are most likely to be encountered within (with regards to environment, cause of conflict, enemy group composition), known deterrents or specific weaknesses, and weapons that are ineffective. These sections will be concluded with advisories on how to engage the enemy, in the contexts and situations in which they are most likely to be encountered as hostiles.

It sounds boring, put like that, so for my own amusement, I'm implementing a lethality scale for individuals of each specie group. Three units of measurement will be used. The smallest unit of measurement is the idiot; which represents the combat ability of a single typical soldier in the field, and the probability that he will engage victorious in combat against an enemy or group of enemies (1 idiot= 100%, .5 idiot= 200%, 1.5 idiots = 66%). Obviously, 2 idiots means a single idiot has only a 50% chance of emerging alive, but two soldiers will be certain to defeat the enemy, even if not both survive.

Of course, probabilities don't necessarily scale up with numbers, enter the second unit; the gaggle, a squad of seven soldiers, assuming all men are properly equipped, with designated weapon specialists. Same rules apply as with the IU.

As I am the most lethal son of a bitch Orre has ever seen before my morning six cups of coffee and the second most lethal son of a bitch Orre has ever seen after my morning eight cups of coffee, the final unit of measurement is the ME unit, which measures up my own lethality, pitted against the biggest, nastiest fucks this world has to give.

I don't fear anything but let's see how close we can get.

* * *

 **Extra Extra: Freaks**

Every species has its freaks. What between mega evolutions, primal reversions, ancient ones, super colonies, my ex-wife, champions, crazy crime fighting mutant turtles, freaks of science… well, there are things in this world that need to be judged on their own. What limited information we have on them will be presented in this section, and rated according to the ME.

In addition to the above sections, I will do whatever the heck I want as new requirements become necessary, and will go out of my way to do so- consider this little joke a of a template payback for my current straits. Fuck you too, kiddo.

- **ME**


	2. Chapter 2: Bulbasaur, Ivysaur, Venusaur

Alright, maybe this won't be as boring as I thought, we almost lost one of our nerds, for reasons that will be explained later. For now, we're tightening security on the samples procured for us in the field, and some of our nerds have suggested using computer modeling instead of using actual samples.

Fucking pus...pansies, that is.

The old men are getting along well, or at least they were until recently. Old man two has drawn attention to an old feud with old man four, and they've been duking it out, refusing to show up to each other's backgammon and tea or whatever the fuck they did to entertain themselves before the invention of the wheel (In response to whatever you just thought: Fuck you).

Enough about me though. I was examining some of the crates that came in for supplies, and cross referencing them with ledgers on available military resources. It's the funniest thing, it looks engineers are randomly being reassigned to the garrison of one eastern port city that doesn't actually have a population according to our census, along with a rather ridiculous amount of oxygen tanks, and two submarines. Funnily enough, I also tracked the checked tags on our supplies and found that they were routed from said city to Gateon and then to us.

I don't care if you're importing the world's most overqualified waiters for your secret beach party. But if you're going to try to keep a secret, for Arceus sake do it competently. I found this out in two hours because I was _bored_. The senate WANTS to catch you slipping up while doing something on the sly, and they will come down on all of us like the hand of almighty God if they do, and I don't need that shit on my table. So route our materials through Pyrite town (nobody bothers double checking that shithole), and either bounce the engineers from Gateon and Phenac to wherever you want them or put them on paid leave, and change their home addresses to their destination SO IT HAS A FUCKING POPULATION.

Gross incompetence aside, here's your report on Bulbasaur.

* * *

 **Biology:** Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!

So, we're starting out strong in the freaky department. The Bulbasaur we know, love, and entrust to our children is actually two independent organisms: a divergently adapted nematode and a parasitic plant (not unlike my ex-wife). Let that sink in.

As far as our nerds figure, the bulb is a descendent of a prehistoric carnivorous water-blooming plant, and the nematode was at one point a highly irradiated and toxic amphibian. One day said plant decided that the amphibian looked tasty, tried to take a bite out of it, and kept on dying until it didn't. The plant's growth was impeded by the toxins present in the amphibian but was able to sustain itself because the amphibian constantly moved into the sunlight in order to better find prey. This weaker parasite infected other amphibians that patient zero came into contact with, the infected amphibians eventually managed to hijack some of the energy the plant produced from photosynthesis, in addition to gaining camouflage that negated their most fearsome predator, an ancestor of Fearow. Fast forward a few thousand years, freaky shit happens, and you have Bulbasaur.

Bulbasaur in the wild evolve based on the growth of the plant on their back: more growth, more photosynthesis, more energy to contribute to the threshold of evolution. If you wanted to, you could stunt the growth of a population by not exposing it to sunlight. Just saying.

The Bulbasaur, as was mentioned before, is toxic in so many ways you'll tear your insides outside to stop the fucking burning. It's a terrible way to die, so don't put it in your mouth Timmy. Oh, and did I mention the bulb was prehistorically a universal parasite? It produces these nasty spores in the spring that will cause cardiac arrest, and then those spores will grow into proto-bulbs, which serve to produce "Primed Leech Seeds", which infect ANYTHING it touches, in a gruesome way. More on that later.

Critical organs are present in the nematode throughout it's entire life span, so shoot in the shoulder with a big enough gun and you'll either snap it's spine or destroy its heart. It's worth noting that venusaur have thick hides, anything less than 5.56x45 won't put a dent in them, and even with that, it's hit or miss. I wouldn't want to fight one with anything less than 7.62x51, and even then, I would rather take on an angry lumberjack with my dick. At least with the lumberjack, I can see the chainsaw. venusaur though? Shit, they have a Marry Poppins bag full of goodies that will make you squeal.

* * *

 **History** : Believe it or not, according to HIS record, venusaur appear numerous times as lawful protectors. They guarded knowledge for several tribes, maintained order in the wilds, and interceded in violent conflicts between several tribes.

There are numerous other more contemporary historical references: Kanto scientists began distributing them to children because they caught on something was fishy with them, their toxins were used in numerous assassination attempts…little fun things like that.

* * *

 **Psychology and Sociology:** As mentioned before, according to HIS record, Bulbasaur and venusaur fall tend into Good-Lawful psychologies, and their society tends towards a sort of feudal structure. At the bottom, packs consist of a dozen Bulbasaur and three to five Ivysaur, who in turn answer to a single venusaur (or a small group, of 2 to 4), or that contribute to the defense of four to eight packs.

As for the psychological breakdown of each form; Bulbasaur do not engage in combat, ever, under any circumstance. If you engage a pack, Ivysaur will buy time for the Bulbasaur to flee, and inform the local venusaur. Under no circumstance does an Ivysaur break from combat, even after the Bulbasaur escape; they don't _fear_ death, they're psychology in the wild is so heavily socially oriented social failure is worse than death.

venusaur have a profile all their own; they are the ultimate deciders of law. venusaur will never initiate combat without provocation, but once you piss them off, they will _fuck you up_ without mercy, because your dumb ass deserves to die, no matter the cost to the pack or whatever values they think they have. That's all you really need to know; once a Bulbasaur reports an attack to a venusaur, as long as you are in their forest, they will find you, and they will fuck you up, down, and sideways until you wish your mommy had an abortion.

The good news is, don't fuck with them, and they won't fuck with you…most of the time. On occasion, venusaur will consider different varieties of fuckery a threat to the well being of the herd, and they can and will act preemptively, and is that a sight to behold. venusaur don't have a word for "overkill", or a concept for it. So when something, lets say a pack of beedril, twenty turn up in their woods, those bastards will mobilize EVERY BULBASAUR in seventy miles, to grind them into dust. This is the rare occasion that Bulbasaur will mobilize in combat, for what little it matters, but only paper pushers and politicians believe in absolutes.

The good news is that if you're not stupid, you can use them to achieve ends that you don't want to waste your own resources on. Bear that in mind.

* * *

 **Combat:** Now for the part that matters.

Here's the deal: if you're smart, you'll never, ever find yourself in combat with any of the things listed above. They are rarely territorial, and never hostile unless provoked, and you have no reason to provoke them. You can't eat them, they won't fuck with you, they'll let you pass through their territory without issue.

I sound redundant, I know, but I need to pound this through the numbskulls that currently are enlisted in our military. Enlistment and rank used to mean something, now we let any fuck with a college degree and six credit hours of training become an officer.

Now, that isn't to say they're harmless. Remember those spores I was talking about? In the first two weeks of spring, coming out of winter hibernation like a teenager giving off angst. Stay clear for those two weeks, maybe three, and you'll be fine.

Now for the ratings:

Bulbasaur: For a single one, 0.2 IU's I'm not even going to pretend that these little things are a threat, even if they did try to kill me. I've wiped things off my ass that cause me more grief.

Ivysaur: 1.5 IU's. The things fight dirty, trapped vines everywhere, sharp projectiles all over the place… if you can see them, chances are you can kill them. But I can always rely on two things in my life: the fact that some idiot somewhere is slipping up at this very moment, and taxes.

Venasuar: Shit man, that escalated quickly. Easily 4 GU's, or 1 ME. Everything that applies to ivysaur applies here, vines all over the fucking place that will strangle you if you touch them, razor leafs all over the place that will fill the air like farts at a chili festival. Not to mention in spring the sleep spores they can drop, and if you're camping outside a forest and they don't like you, they'll bombard you with Solar beams till they can see where you were from space. Unlike their smaller forms, they can move and use vine traps at the same time, and they can charge you, trampling you underfoot, while spitting out most small arms fire.

Now, we can be serious: there's three situations in which you'll find yourself fighting these guys; 1) engaging a pack, 2) engaging a venusaur (Alone or with a possey) 3) a venusaur called campaign.

Your typical squad can probably take out one pack without losing someone nine times out of ten. Ivysaur can't use their vines without anchoring themselves to the Earth, so they can't move, making them easy targets. Razor leaves can be fired many times in rapid succession, but there's no evidence to suggest they can cut through wood, or that Ivysaur would damage their own forest for a small engagement, not to mention their inaccuracy. Best to simply take cover and engage them in a conventional fire fight. Kill them, and skedaddle before reinforcements arrive, unless you're trying to draw a venusaur out.

I can see that you may need to assassinate a venusaur or two, so I won't call you out for being dipshits on that. If you want to do it quietly, send out two Jägermeister's, armed with fifty cals, they won't be able to sneak up on it, but you'll probably be able to get within a half mile, without it thinking you're a threat. A shot to the shoulder will actually twist its spine, snapping it's neck. Or you could dome it, the old-fashioned way.

Other options are to send in four rangers with explosives and the older Akim 57's. Aim for the vitals and run away.

If you don't have such specialized resources, you could draw it into a trap by killing a pack, and camouflaging a light assault vehicle. It'll come, have the infantry run for their lives to draw any accompanying ivysaur away, then open up on the big one with the vehicle. Alternatively, just use an old fashioned ambush.

If you ARE the dipshits I think you are, and you wind up getting a venusaur pissed off not wanting to fight it, stay mobile, keep a distance, and stay in cover. Don't run unless it runs first, it will catch you. Try to engage if from the side to hit the vitals, cause its skull is thick enough to bounce a 5.56x49 from our new challenger rifles. If you have to engage it from the front, aim either for the lower jaw or above he head.

Get out of the way, period. Unless you have a massive armor unit, in which case just run over the little shits, put on gas masks, ram the big shit with something heavier (disengaging anti-grav if applicable), and flank it with something lighter and aim for that clavicle. It's metal as hell, but shit, you need metal as hell.

Pokemon moves: For basic combat they stick to the tried and true of grass pokemon: vine whip and razor leaf. venusaur can use vine whip while moving, but we don't think that Ivysaur can use very large vines without anchoring themselves. We've speculated that they can use sweet scent to set traps, and venusaur can also use solar beam on sunny days, perhaps even with a stream of light the size of a pin.

Venusaur can use the grass type powders any time of the year, and we've calculated an effective radius of five meters. Ivysaur can also produce them, but only in spring, with a three meter radius. Thankfully, we have a treatment that can prevent severe injury due to exposure, assuming you don't hit the ground immediately.

Now here comes the freaky shit; leech seeds. Not that wimpy shit with the red zappy stuff that shocks you. I'm talking a fucking seed that attaches to your skin and takes advantage of your muscles and extracellular matrix to jet itself through to go wherever the fuck it wants, and give you an awful no good very shitty day.

One of our nerds wasn't paying fucking attention, and didn't follow procedure with the sample we procured of one of these fucking things, and he touched it without gloves. The little shit burrowed under his finger nail, and ten minutes later he was screaming like hell. Took us another ten minutes to figure out what the fuck he was on about, and then we had to perform an invasive surgery on his fucking flow hood, after knocking the bitch out with his fucking ether bottle.

The procedure lasted half an hour, and we found the fuckass thing in his neck, right above his scapula. Unfortunately, we need him, and the kids almost turned into a veg from PTSD, and we can't even take the blind fold off of him without him screaming and having a seizure. We've slated him for intensive hypnosis, see if we can't scavenge his mind for a while by imposing a new identity on him. He gets back to work, we get to push an experimental and illegal treatment on him for clinical trials, and he gets a temporary reprieve from whatever the fuck this is. Win-win-shitty-win.

Now, leech seeds have their limitations. The one that got to the kid was preserved via freezing, but outside that they don't last five minutes after leaving the host, it takes two and a half seconds of contact for it to take, and they need to be really close to consider launching it.

The bad news is, they can all use them, at any point of the year. Bulbasaur prefer using them when they are cornered, and they can toss out eight a week.

As for notable weakness?

Fire: Contrary to common belief, greenery doesn't go up in flames when you look at it wrong. That being said, it spooks the fuck out of these things, and the smoke somehow fucks with their respiration- more so than it fucks with anything else's respiration. Controlled burnings can be used to drive them out or eliminate them entirely, just make sure you don't burn too. It's a shitty way to die.

Clavicle Shot: As mentioned above, it's the perfect kill shot. It'll snap the vertebrae, it's a large target, the bullet still has a good chance of shredding the heart… you can't ask for better.

Antibiotics…or anything that kills bacteria: if you're going for a biological warfare sort of thing, we think a rare sort of bacterium is a necessary component in the delicate balance that keeps the parasite from consuming it's host. Kill these bacteria, and the control could be cut, and the parasite might turn against it's host.

Anything with mass: Hypothetically, you could stomp on a Bulbasaur to death. venusaur weigh only two-hundred pounds at the most (My pet poochyena, Johtoan-Murder-Death-Killer came up to my knee and weighed sixty). Compared to our armored vehicles, that's NOTHING.

* * *

 **Freaks:**

Mega venusaur: The mega evolution for venusaur was first discovered in blah de blah blah blah. We don't have any information about them, truth to be told. Best as I figure, they're just venusaur, but with another hundred pounds and a whole lot more spunk. Same rules apply for engagement, and if that extra mass means anything, I'd rate it 1.2 ME's. I imagine I'd break a sweat.

Ancient ones: This is partially speculation, partially HIS, and partially the insistence of the old dudes that keep throwing dates at my door, but there's reason to believe there is a final form of venusaur, for those that survive the critical point where the parasite has more mass than the host. These ancient ones can live indefinitely (One of the old geezers confided in me that his family communed with the same venusaur for four-hundred years, which sounds like a load of shit, but my in laws will still be asking me for money in four-hundred years, so what the hell), rarely move, and are asleep more often than awake. Supposedly they have these vines that come out of them, spanning the jungles they inhabit and monitoring it, keeping balance and strangling anything that threatens the balance. The defacto Fuck Mothering Gods of the Forest.

If you manage to somehow work your way through the booby-trapped forest, I'd rate it the same as the Mega venusaur: 1.2 ME's. More vines and spores to worry about, I'm sure, but the simple fact that it's a stationary target and won't trample you underfoot makes up for it (I think. Am I really going to have to right reports on things that nobody has ever seen or fought, and probably aren't real? What's next? A unicorn? Giant Dragonite? My ex-wife's soul? The mythical single testicle shared between all other members of the Senate?). If you have to walk into a forest with no idea where this thing is and take it out…easily between three and six ME's. I doubt you're typical team of scouting ranger's can come within ten miles of it. I'm not scared: but anyone that tells you otherwise wasn't skipping islands in Hoenn. If you need to take one out that badly, surround the woods with armored divisions and napalm the living fuck out of it. Or drop a nuclear warhead. Or crash a meteor into it. Or play Unovan pop outside the forest, and the fuck will come out to turn it off. If you have some of that mocha-machiata-frappacapachina-sinful perversion of coffee, throw that shit in there for good measure. As an arbiter of justice, it'll be compelled to wipe it off the face of the Earth.

* * *

Summary:

 **Combat is not advised:** Simply put, we have more to gain by building good relationships with these freaks than removing them, at least for the time being. We can buy their assistance in eradicating other local threats cheaply, and they could provide a defensive buffer between our more populated settlements and the wild.

 **In the event of Combat, engagement at close range is not advised:** Accuracy for razor leaf drops off heavily at 15 meters. Spore ranges are about six meters. venusaur might not be that heavy, but they are deceptively fast, and two hundred pouns accelerating at twenty-miles/hour squared is nothing to scoff at. Try to remain at medium ranges, take cover, and shoot them out.

 **In the event of inevitable conflict, assassination is recommended:** We're never tried to pull this off before, but eliminating the heads of the society should prevent them from marshaling their herds, meaning you can mop them up one by one. While they may be difficult to locate, kill a pack, have two Jägermeister's follow the Bulbasaur you have flee, and when it gets to the venusaur, eliminate it.

 **Entry into forests that are known to have Bulbasaur is not advised in the first three weeks of spring:** I explained this above, I don't want to again, but here we go. During harsh winters, all the packs return to the venusaur and huddle up for the winter, shivering in some sort of shared hibernation that keeps them warm. When they wake up in the spring, the first thing they do is release spores, and the first unlucky son of a bitch to walk into those woods is fertilizer. Stay away, or don't, and contribute to survival of the least mentally retarded.


	3. Chapter3:Charmander,Charmeleon,Charizard

In case you were wondering how things move a forward in the senate, it's been another day, another filibuster. Given your unique position, I would recommend that you switch places with myself, but then the Senate would lose its only pair of testicles. That being said, you at least took my advice on rerouting your materials, and managed to adequately supply us with samples for the next research subject, so you've managed to hide the ineptitude of yourself and your family. You have proven you have the ability learn after being scolded, proving you have the intelligence of a fucking magikarp, exceeding my loftiest expectations of you. Congratulations.

Ever since the nerds started wimping out, I put corporal punishment on the table. Pushups and planks are my favorite (I suppose the drill sergeant never left me), and have had limited success in improving discipline. If things don't improve as quickly as I want, I'll turn to minor decimation discipline: as I understand, universities these days often use the hazing technique called the "Bum run". I might have them run their pasty asses around the barracks, see if they're willing to break safety protocol again. And since the staff came from your fucking list, you'll be pleased to know that, in the absence of proper outlets for their brain-dicks, they've been fighting over- of all fucking things- those godamn Kanto cartoons. Kantophiles started fighting over their fucking anime, and managed to alienate themselves from the older, more classical (and tolerable) nerds.

Fucking. Nerds.

Making matter worse, the old timers are still feuding, and have broken into three distinct camps; 'Fuck those guys', 'No, fuck you', and 'Fuck all of y'all, leave us alone.' Team 'No, fuck you' has evidently been vying for my support in their shit, while team 'Fuck those guys' have been uncooperative with me as a result. Thankfully the 'Fuck all of y'all, leave us alone.' faction has the brains (and the urinary consistency) to piss themselves whenever I walk by, and have been working overtime to make my life easier and staying out of my way in light of their colleagues piss-poor behavior.

The good news is that, biologically Charmander, charmeleon, and Charizard are less complex and less freaky than the Bulbasaur line. It's just their psychology that's fucked up.

* * *

At any rate, it occurs to me that I ought to have included some basic knowledge- with regards to information on the Bulbasaur line- such as rarity, environments in which they inhabit, size and weight. I originally thought that including such basic knowledge was unnecessary, as it would be mentioned if it was important for combating them, and in the event that such knowledge was necessary whoever requires access to the information would have the bare minimum intelligence to seek out and make note of this information from easily available resources (I imagined, much to my dismay, that if even those 'scientists' in the union were able to rub together their collective two brain cells and find this information for their dex project, then the team that out forward this dossier together was equal to the task-I was wrong.) I offer my least sincere apologies for neglecting to hold your hand every fucking step of the way.

Bulbasaur weigh eight to fifteen pounds; basically nothing. Your run of the mill Ivysaur weigh between 22 pounds and 28 pounds- considerably more, but eight times less than a beautiful lightly equipped Orrean son of a bitch on the ground. Venasaur are more difficult to pin down, seeing as how wild samples are difficult to procure. Our best estimates are between 200 pounds and 250 pounds, ergo the whole issue with engaging them at close range while trying not to be trampled underfoot by two hundred pounds of the big, the angry, and the tree-hugging- and that's just the fucking hippies, the venasaur would turn you into fucking paste.

As for rarity, I'd be willing to designate them as 'rare' (whatever the fuck that means). They are (as far as we are aware) only present in a few select forests throughout Johto, Kanto, and Hoenn in large numbers. Small packs may be present in Orre and Sinnoh, and crusty old as shit Venasaur that got left behind by their packs hundreds of years ago in Orre.

* * *

 **Basic information:** The Charmander line is composed of three fire type reptiles, in the monster/dragon egg group (note that they are not technically dragons, as their hides are more leathery and their scales lack some of the chemical components present in dragon type scales), that use highly flammable fluid to do…whatever the fuck they do. These ought to be designated as 'Very Rare', as they only inhabit areas that are warm and rocky, such as dry canyons, equatorial mountain ranges, and volcanoes. Charizard have wings (no shit), and are also flying types, that use the wings on their back to travel long distances for food, on the rare occasion that cannibalizing their children is unappealing (See more below, dumbfuck). We only have official confirmation that these are in Johto and Kanto, but there are reports of a handful of these flying fucks in Orre.

Charmander weigh between 14-16pounds, charmeleon between 30-42 pounds, and Charizard between 180-200 pounds. It goes without saying that this information won't do you much good, as if you come close enough to one of these that weight is a factor, nine times out of ten, any amount of tai-foo-jujitsu-whatever will only save you from your shitty decision making one out of ten times.

* * *

 **Biology:** Some genuinely interesting shit here. The fact that my nerds had to figure all of it out in several days while those dumbasses in the Union have had hundreds of years to at least research the basic biology, but decided to completely abandon the scientific method in favor of giving fire breathing dragons to children and telling them to observe their behavior, makes me somewhat proud of them, but mostly pissed off on their eastern 'partners'.

That noise was me breaking the keys on my keyboard. Union fuckers aren't qualified to kiss my ass.

Charmander biology is typical of bipedal reptiles, with the exception of the whole fire breathing thing, which will be explained shortly. The only thing of note for basic biology is that they have an air bladder behind their left lung that stores oxygen, that they can either use to feed their flames or draw upon in need. Of course, you want to know how they breathe fire.

Due to a bunch of evolutionary dietary constraints of their environment that won't mean shit when a man eating lizard is about to belch a mouthful of fire in your face, said lizards have evolved in such a way that their digestive systems produce large quantities of alkenes, which are stored in a 'fire bladder' above and behind the liver (Shooting this has a variety of amusing effects that will be discussed later) in high concentrations. Unlike she who that shall be named- who almost exclusively bothers to create and spread methane- the Charmander line produces the alkyne acetylene; IE, really hot shit used in blowtorches, capable of reaching temperatures of over 3,300 degrees Celsius when combusted with oxygen (remember that oxygen bladder?). When under great duress, the reptile will 'belch', forcing its wonderful concoction of flammable materials into its mouth through a special tube I don't recall the name of, mixing with oxygen, and then exploding.

When not being used to kill our children, or at the behest of our children, the fire bladder is continuously emptied by small amount through the tip of it's tail, where it is burned to be removed from the digestive system. The old wives' tail of Charmander dying if the flame went out is only half bullshit- if the fire goes out and does not reignite, then wastes build up in the fire bladder, causing the creature to grow ill and die over several days.

If you're looking to shoot something any of the three evolutionary stages, fire at the upper torso, in the upper half of the circle on their stomachs, where the fire bladder, oxygen bladder, heart, and lungs are present (except in the case of charmeleon at very short ranges). Larger caliber rounds are recommended against Charizard, but the standard 5.56x45 might do some damage against them (This is NOT the case with regards to their mega-evolutions), but I'd rather have an Akim in hand. Their wings are also easy targets, if one enters medium range to strafe you with fire then sufficient damage to the wings may cause it to crash and-with luck- break its godamned neck.

As for good eats? Theoretically, the entire thing- minus it's intestines and bladders- is edible. In practice, if you killed one, you probably wound up rupturing something or another that will either explode in your face is poison you. It's better to avoid the abdomen and tail, go for the brain and limbs. Cooking is not necessary, and not recommended, given the number of explosive gasses present in the body while alive.

* * *

 **History:** According to HIS Charizard used to be far less common, but were hunted with impudence by Johto's sparse natives. With an entire tribe basing it's social hierarchy on the hunting of these. In the great war, the Kantonese used them to smuggle weapons past Orrean forces, and used them to plant and light explosives. Cute attempt.

* * *

 **Psychology and Sociology:** This one will be difficult. Recorded observations from field agents and HIS confirm the following, but there are certain details that are largely unconfirmed or unexplained.

Wild Charmander, charmeleon, and Charizard appear to have fairly straightforward, taking actions dictated by a straightforward hierarchy of needs; immediate survival, immediate well being, need to procreate, need to assure safety for the near future, dominance (granted, this is often tied together with the prior need), and lastly- in a very limited sense appearing on very rare occasions- the good of the group.

For Charmander, following this hierarchy typically means avoiding conflict, finding or stealing whatever easy prey or food they can get ahold of, and doing so the next day. For the more temperamental charmeleon, it means being the meanest son of a bitch on the block so nobody infringes on your hunting grounds, and being a fire cracker that is probably more trouble to eat than it's worth. For Charizard, that means doing whatever the fuck you want, and then roasting/eating any stupid little pissant that tells you otherwise (an appealing philosophy).

In other words, don't corner a wild Charmander and it won't spit fire in your face. Avoid the Charmeleon, as they are typically aggressive. Charizards are scarce enough it's unlikely you will encounter them, but those that live to adulthood have lived through their stupid teenage years, and the many fights that have come with them, and have a pretty good grasp on their limitations, so if they pick a fight with you, it's they're either very angry or very confident you'll make a nice quick snack.

The Charmander line is typically not social, but while not necessary for combat, an understanding of their sociology will give you a good idea of what you're dealing with. Charmander live in areas where few other organisms are able to, meaning there are is very little food available for consumption…other than Charmander. Realizing this, the powers that be fucked in the head decided that Charmeleon and Charizard should evolve in such a fashion SPECIFICALLY to help them hunt their younger fellows.

Charmeleon got bigger, faster, with longer arms and claws necessary to scale cliffs to easily locate and hunt Charmander, not to mention the thicker, heat resistant hide that renders just about anything that a Charmander might do to defend itself moot. Charizard grew wings so they could catch charmeleon as they scaled canyon walls with greater ease, and a pronounced jaw that can snatch them up and end their lives in an instant. Their entire species is, by majority, sociopathic- we cannot determine whether these tendencies began immediately after the shattering or were standard before everything went to hell- but I can't really bring myself to give a damn either way.

What we do know is that in the samples collected, the majority of specimens' simplistic reptilian social brains had diminished in size and activity from what would be anticipated from other reptiles of similar size, and had inflamed amygdala… likely resulting in paranoia and violent behavior. We don't have a clue what caused the changes, or why it only affected a part of the population, and our sample size isn't large enough to establish an estimate of the ratio of affected to unaffected. My nerds think that the behavior of the unaffected is much more mild, and while they likely have some violent tendencies, they would be more intelligent and less likely to engage in cannibalism.

We haven't been able to actually isolate any groups with such activity, given the short notice of the project and the necessity of splitting their heads open to identify them, but they likely operate in small packs of charmeleon and Charmander, and upon evolving the Charizard they join a sort of loose clan of their evolved forms, and at times hunt down particularly bothersome threats (Granted, it's possible that the feral Charizard do this as well, but are less likely to travel far distances to find food or respond to further off threats).

For the most part, it's better to just stay away from the whole shitstorm.

* * *

 **Combat:** The Charmander line is less common but more aggressive than the Bulbasaur line. The good news is that the environments in which they can be found are much more distinct and less common, so you won't run into them while walking outside in the middle of the night to take a piss. The bad news is, that if you enter a hunting zone either a charmeleon or a Charizard will breath in your face, and a mouthful of that shit will spell almost certain death- unlike my ex-wife's breath, which only causes temporary paralysis and not the sweet, merciful release of death.

Charmander: .5 IU's. If you're smart and don't frighten one, the worst it can do is give you diarrhea. If one is desperate enough (and it might be) it might try to take a bite out of you, or spit in your face. Functional range for the belch of a middling Charmander is between seven and twelve meters. For your sake dumbfuck- you know who you are- I'll say it again. The best way not to get killed by one is to not give it reason to try. Keep a safe distance, try not to startle them, and never go it alone.

Charmeleon: 1.7 IU's if it gets the drop on you- the angsty little shits are clever, and will climb, crawl, or dig to avoid detection until it's ready to cut off your fucking head. Belching range is estimated between ten and twenty meters. If you manage to get one in the open in a fair fight, the threat goes down to 1 IU, as it takes time for them to ready an attack, and there is a decent rest time of at least ten seconds after each attack.

Charizard: Fuck. 9 IU's, 1.7 GU's, or .3ME's. Good news is, the nastier ones don't travel far from home, and if you don't keep your head up your ass you can typically see them coming from above. We don't have an effective range on their fire attacks, so expect the worst. They tend to favor using fire to demoralize prey, then swooping in low to finish off the scattered targets with its strong jaws, claws, and legs. Avoid areas in which they are known to reside, and if you must cross into its territory, stick to areas covered from above, and never travel with less than five people. They know what they're capable of; if one of them picks a fight with you and your group, some unfortunate dipshit that should have taken this entry more seriously is going to die. Probably multiple dipshits that should have taken this entry more seriously. Unless you pull a miracle out of you asses.

There as a few different scenarios in which you might find yourselves fighting these things; 1) individual charmeleon attacking from stealth, 2) a group of charmeleon attacking from stealth, 3) a group of charmeleon attacking from the open, 4) a Charizard on a hunt, 5) A Charizard clan response to a threat, and 6) a stupid fucking dumbass attacking a stupid fucking Charmander.

1) When a charmeleon is jumping someone, it will typically attack up to two people using vertical movement- climbing up walls to get the advantage, and then pouncing- charmeleon leave distinct claw marking on cliff faces where they can be found, three claws close together, wedged into small crevices. It will also be willing to attack a single person on even ground, either by digging underneath them (how they are capable of this is unknown, but HIS confirmed this possibility) or traditional predatory stalking.

The initial attack upon exiting cover will typically be a slash from one of its claws, delivered from a pounce, with the subsequent attack being a fire attack, and each following attack being one of the two. A single charmeleon will not attack if it is detected, so if you see one, let it know.  
I will say this now, once, and very loudly: DO NOT FIRE ON THE UPPER TORSO FROM CLOSER THAN FOUR METERS. Charmeleon fire bladders are at the awkward stage where they aren't weak enough to be punctured and let off internal pressure, but not large enough to distribute the force from a gunshot around the abdomen. There is the distinct possibility that anything less than a perfect hit will cause the membrane to burst, with the amusing side effect of causing the entire thing to explode.

This aside, a lower abdomen shot will be sufficient to disable one. That or just shoot the thing in the head, and get distance between you and it. If a competent soldier gets jumped, then odds are fifty-fifty for him getting out of it alive, and those odds increase to eighty percent after surviving the initial slash and fire attack. If you're in a group of two, odds are estimated at 80% percent

2) Highly unlikely, but a possibility that we can't overlook in the event that the…tamer charmeleon do form packs as we assume. No matter how you look at it, a single soldier is fucked. If two, then one might get away one time out of ten…by using his buddy as bait (I've had the unfortunate singular pleasure of this happening twice, back in the war, so don't feed me that bullshit about no man left behind). To fight your way out of this, you'd need outnumber half again the hostile numbers…and then I'd estimate the fatalities at fifty percent. So, no matter how you look at it, your only chance of avoiding heavy casualties is to avoid springing the trap. Use reconnaissance when passing through areas in which you might find these (And really, use reconnaissance in general. If your people hadn't dropped the ball on that we'd have likely stormed around Mt. Silver and conquered all of Kanto back in the war. The stakes are higher now, so for fuck's sake, please, I'm on my hands and knees begging, don't send our boys to fight monsters without reconnaissance, or I'll have to kill you.)

Best way to survive the ambush is not to trigger it. In the event you fucked up, and get the feeling you're being tailed, do not let it show. Stay close together, and move quickly and calmly out of the area, avoiding potential kill zones. The stay calm bullshit is easy to sniff out, but if you break or appear nervous, they'll pounce like vultures. No, that's not the wrong saying. At that point you're dead men anyways.

Treat it like a typical gunfight- try to pin the enemy and wear it down from behind cover. Mind that you don't get flanked, it's a fast way to die. Keep your distance, try to keep them at medium range. Given the rocky environments you're likely to encounter them in, bring frag grenades, to drive them out of cover. If you had some sort of flechettes that bounce off hard surfaces, use them. I'd recommend developing them ASAP, as these would be useful in many situations.

3) Kawaii. You don't get to shoot Charizard on your own terms, for the people reading this, if you encounter one, you'll be acting defensively. On the off chance you're looking to knock off one yourself, tag it with a tracker somehow, and then bombard its roost with artillery. Or better yet, bait it out, and tear it to pieces with some sort of light assault vehicle. The more machine guns, the better.

More likely, you're going find yourself being the victim of a hunt. They'll engage any group less than twenty people strong, using the tactic outline above. Get under cover, make it drop closer to the ground. Charizard wings are surprisingly rigid, pepper them with small arms fire, and you might snap one. Spread out as you do so, but keep to cover, you don't want it to pick you up and carry you off.

On the ground, they move in a way that is unique to them, using steps, leaps, and gliding several meters to close the distance. If they hit the ground, regroup immediately around the landing area, and search the area, in a staggered line, at three meters apart. Upon locating it, well, Charizard have a handful of nasty tricks. They can spit fire in large amounts, with a cool down time of just 3.5 seconds. They have a harder time with slashing, with those shorter arms, but they can. That neck and jaw can turn a full one-eighty in half a second and tear something in two. Most ballistic armor can block the cuts, but that jaw will crunch on that shit like cereal.

4)HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Now I've gone and pissed myself again. Heat resistant LAV's. Anti-air weapon platforms would do some good. Tanks might work, but are likely unnecessary, and you're better off with the LAV's. Automatic weapons only. A couple of Charizard can scatter a platoon if they aren't ready for it. Half a dozen could scatter a three-hundred battalion if they aren't entrenched. A full dozen… an equal number of tanks would be necessary, or twice as many LAV's. No matter what units you have at your disposal, I can't give you any advice other than to dig in and get ready for the fight of your life. That's hell you're walking into, sir.

5) Easy shit, for once. Aim for the head, or the upper abdomen. Don't give it a chance to spit fire in your face.

Pokemon Moves: as previously mentioned, most of these mean using acetylene, or long claws, or longer fangs. Use rocky cover, keep your head down, and spread out. Watch out for arced shots.

For **Charmander** :

Scratch: Exactly what it sounds like. Their claws are only a couple inches long, so while unpleasant, one little scratch won't put you in the ground.

Ember: At this point in their development, their fire bladders aren't large enough to actually do anything worth anything. Small balls of fire with large spread, pretty inaccurate. Being hit with on of the things won't kill you, and they're pretty easy to put out. But if you're a dumbass- which you might very well be (yes, you know who you are)- and get too close, then the spread won't mean jack shit, and they'll burn holes in you.

For **Charmeleon** :

Dragon Rage: we don't really know what this shit is- probably some sort of lower burning alkene. Comes out in a big glob, and it's very accurate at 12 meters. That said, it doesn't even burn through wood. We don't know what it will do if it comes into contact with organic material, but it probably doesn't hold a candle to the nastier shit on this list.

Fire Fang: More painful than it sounds, but less deadly. Unfortunately for these little bastards, it cauterizes the bite wound the minute their fangs come out. Course, you might bitch out and pass out from the pain, in which case your fucked, and if you don't seek medical assistance immediately, that infection is going to fuck you inside out, but it's not an effective weapon. Just a cruel one.

Slash: Charmeleon claws are significantly longer, at around 3.5 inches long. Not particularly impressive. Still an inch longer than your average Shanxian dick, but if it was a knife it wouldn't be legally classified as a weapon under primary Orrean law. That being said, they get pretty fucking sharp, a long slash from one of these guys will fuck you up and kill you pretty fast without medical attention. To make matters worse, it's possible for them to increase length by an additional inch on the spot. Regardless, they'll punch a hole in metal sheets up to high grade steel, but not steel plates, so body armor should hold up. Still, don't let them get any fucking closer than they have to to get a bullet between the eyes.

Flame burst: Nasty shit. When the flammable alkenes are mixed with additional oxygen, in pressure from leaving the bladder causes a sudden expansion (IE: boom) two seconds after being launched. The fatal radius isn't particularly large; maybe a meter, and it can't be arced well, but you don't want to be around when one of these things go off.

For **Charizard** :

Flamethrower: Exactly what it sounds like. Since they're typically attacking from above, effective range is largely pointless. Effective range is AT LEAST twenty meters, probably more. The Holy Fucking Grail of fire type moves.

Fire Blast: It's typically not learned by wild Charizard, but I'm a paranoid bastard. First of all, it's not always what you see on TV, and definitely not like that crook Blaine or whatever he calls himself- the kanji is just a dick measuring/stroking technique taught by fire masters. Refined but not artsy fire blast is just a big five-pointed star. It doesn't have to be either, could just be a big fucking ball of death and despair. It's not typically learned by wild pokemon of course (ergo, why the move looks so fucking prettiful all the fucking time), so we don't have a means to research the move. Our chemists and physicists, along with the old geezers seem to concur that it works in a similar fashion to flame burst, but the effects are somewhat different. It hits like wall for one, and holds several seconds after contact before exploding violently. Given the force and acceleration of the explosion, our nerds determined that it likely has a recovery time of at least ten seconds, and at most eighteen seconds. That's all we can guess with confidence, except even being close to it is certain death. I will reiterate though; it is highly unlikely that anyone will ever encounter one.

How to kill'm:

Water: Not as effective as you might hope. Flamethrower and some other fire moves act more like liquid fires than gaseous fires, meaning that water extinguish it in many cases, at least until the initial fuel has burned up. That being said, Charmander and charmeleon are less able to ignite their fuel when wet…and cannot swim. Take that as you will.

Torso shots: there's a lot that can go very wrong in the upper torso. As a rule of thumb, if a bipedal absolutely and completely needs to die, accept no alternatives.

* * *

 **Freaks:** Good fucking God, the freaks these guys make. I said in the initial report of this project, there is nothing in hell or on Earth that scares me, and I stand by that, but I'd rather castrate myself then take one of these guys on.

Mega-Charizard Y(The fuck is it Y? Why not A?): Between the two mega forms in this report, this one is both more lethal and less frightening. Weight is unknown, probably close to that of Charizard. The traits displayed by it causes the nerds to believe that these probably live in deserts. The most important thing is that it can fly higher, faster, and longer. Fire attacks seem to have a MUCH greater range and velocity, probably more fire power, but also longer recovery times.

Shit, 2 ME's. I give myself fifty-fifty odds on getting out of that desert alive. If this thing picks a fight with you, hide and pray it doesn't find you. You'll need a big ass gun and the eye of a fuck mothering God to take one out, at the very least. Would not engage without a gunship, a fighter Jet, or a handful of AA guns. If you're trying to get the fuck out of that desert (like a smart little bitch), hide under cover in the day (even if you have to bury yourself), and skedaddle in as straight a line you can in a desert at night.

Mega Charizard X: There is something terrifying about a quadruped bullet proof lizard that weighs between 250-300 pounds, can crawl over fucking walls, and can breathe fire hot enough to melt stone. Unlike other Charizard, these things tend toward quadruped cave dwelling tendencies, and can be classified as dragon types due to their dragon scales that cover all but the bottom of its body, and is much more physical in combat. HIS records two encounters with them in great detail, and both of them were very hard fought. I've encountered one myself, while scouting out the Indigo Mountain range, and had the fight of my life. Five hours in the underground in the dark, hiding from that son of a bitch, before I, 1) peppered it's armored hide with my akim, 2) smashed it's head with a sixty pound rock, 3) stabbed it in the unarmored part of it's neck with a spear made from a metal pole, 4) dropped a ceiling on it, and 5) put thirty rounds of Akim 57 down its throat.

That shit was primal, I swear it was. I know what punch feels like from an unprimed Charizard, and that was not it. Shit almost cooked me alive every step of the way, and every time I came close it would wrap itself in flames that set my clothes on fire. I didn't call the encounter in then, since I didn't want to get called crazy and sent away from the front, but that's how it went down.

I'm smarter and meaner than I was back then, and actually know how to kill them now, so I'd rate it at just 1.3 ME's. Best advice I can get you is to not get lost in that mountain range. If you do encounter one, the biggest problem you have is that the only part of its body not covered in those scales is it's underside, and you do NOT want to be underneath one of these fuckers. If you have grenades to roll under these things one will probably take it out of commission, and two will almost certainly kill it if you manage to roll it under it properly, threat level is at .5 ME's. If you don't have grenades…have grenades. The alternative is five hours of hell, before you find an opportunity to pump lead down it's throat. That's the only real data I have.

Giga-Charizard: I don't fucking know. On the south coast of Kanto some of our boys reported something that looks like a Charizard, except the size of a god damn sky scraper. HIS has one record pertaining to this, and it looks spotty. I don't buy it.

* * *

Summary:

 **Extreme caution is recommended when entering areas in which they are known to reside:** Better to avoid them altogether if you can, but life isn't that simple. If you do have to go through them, run through the territory as quickly as you can.

 **In the event of combat, engagement at medium ranges with ample cover is advised:** A lot of these moves burn up before the fuel touches the ground, making it very hard to arc shots. Just mind the flanks, those Charmeleon like to play it sneaky, crawling over walls like some kind of horror shit.

 **Shooting Charmeleon at close ranges is not recommended:** Jenkins shot a charmeleon at close range. Don't be like Jenkins.

 **Engaging Charizard with infantry from a non-entrenched position is not recommended:** For all intents and purposes, they ought to be treated like slow, low flying aircraft. Act accordingly.

 **Engaging any Freak Charizard without Mechanized Support is not recommended:** It's best to treat the Y form as you would a high speed jet that is rocket capable, and to treat a the X-form like an anti-grav tank with artificial gravity wells…while on cocaine. Really, not much like a tank at all, but the point stands…except if you have adequate explosives.

Fuck you.

 **-ME**


	4. Chapter 4:Squirtle, Wartortle, Blastoise

With regards to your questions on the progression of things in the senate, everything is shitty. The speaker is being shitty, the opposition bloc is shitty, and our own bloc is acting fucked up and shitty. The speaker (may his ego never eclipse his need to compensate) is, as he always is, a moron with the creative brainpower of a rotten fruit, who is too wishy washy and pant-pissing terrified of escalating the internal conflicts to actually do jack OR shit, and too fucking afraid of losing his position in the fallout, which would make him lucky is his name were to so much as show up in a bag of cracker jacks.

Your way is better, no matter how fucked in the head and desperate you are to suggest it.

I've been nudging here, shoving there, and paying people to bust windshields in the senate parking lot, but my influence is limited there. Thankfully, you had the necessary half a brain to give me influence HERE.

Oh, and when you asked if I was doing alright, if I was scwared by the bwig fwucking fwire wizards, fuck you. If you were smart you'd be pissing a hole in your pants. Only three things in this world scare me; that WITCHBITCH, almighty God, and the fact that we're putting any fucking responsibility in your hands. As you can see, I can still cus like a fucking man when I facing something I'm afraid of.

* * *

 **Basic information:** Information on squirtle is rare, and squirtle are even more rare. Because you were unable to procure any viable living samples, we referenced old Kantonese docs, combat video, and HIS. If you're not happy with that, step up your procurement strategy.

The squirtle line is composed of three slowly maturing evolutionary water type stages in the monster and water breeding groups. They use some kind of SOMETHING to shoot water out of their mouths at high speed, high pressure, and great accuracy. These ought to be designated as 'extremely rare', as they are an endangered species and the only place we know that they are naturally present is in the seafoam islands, and in underwater caves in Kanto. There has never, not in our entire recorded history, been a recorded sighting of a wild squirtle in Orre.

Squirtle typically are short and dense, being between 8 and 16 inches in length (tail excluded), and weighing between 16 and 22 pounds. Wartortle are considerably larger, being between 2 and three feet long, and weighing anywhere between 30 and 50 pounds. Blastoise (which, are by our estimation extremely rare, even by final evolution standards) can be anywhere between five and six and a half feet from head to tail, and can weigh between 180 and 300 pounds. Hopefully none of our boys will ever run into these fucking monsters.

* * *

 **Biology:** As stated before, you didn't send us anything to examine, so we had to rely on union docs, and union docs are at best unreliable, and at worst a god damn act of sabotage.

We had a few nerds with kinesiology experience examine some of our footage, and come up with what we have as probable skeletal structure for all three forms, but all that you really need to take away generally from that are three facts: one- the shell is a part of the skeletal system and is fully fused with the spine in all three forms, two-ribs only extend along the sides in all three forms, and three- the the plates on the bottom of the shell are the weakest and thinnest, parts of the whole structure in all three forms. There's some specifics, but those can be saved for specific combat discussions.

We don't know how they do the water attacks, our leading theories are a weird, enzyme that hydrolyzes elements in air at an extremely rapid rate, and fucking magic. I'm on team fucking magic personally, but we'll see if a more plausible answer comes forward in the future.

The only organ worth noting between all three creatures is something of an internal gill-like structure located in a separate bladder that fills with water via the esophagus. Swallowing water adds to the creature's weight, which helps it to sink, while expelling it helps it resurface quickly. The internal gills themselves are folded and have a high surface area for the diffusion of oxygen directly into he blood stream- this is, in effect, a highly specialized pseudolung.

The only other thing of note is the fucking canons on Blastoise' back that only guys with penis issues and girls with penis envy think are cool. We don't know how they work, so later we'll focus on how they can kill you.

* * *

 **History:** as mentioned above, we don't know much about them historically. HIS record doesn't mention them once, and from what we gathered nobody ever cared to record anything about them, except for one record in Kanto's feudal exodus era that states that the Shogun used a blastoise to shatter the gate of the first Johtoan castle in their initial arrival and expansion into Kanto and Johto.

One thing of note, that is more contemporary, is that in the last two hundred years tentacool (the most common prey for the squirtle line) passed on a pathogen that heavily targeted female squirtle, and is present in every male squirtle to this day. A third of the female squirtle have immunity, but the remainder are infected in the embryonic stage and are effectively still born (The nerd looking over my shoulder says the term is still hatched, but I say nobody gives a shit). Course, union science has about the potency and permanence of a fart in a tornado, so nobody caught on until they were almost hunted to extinction for turtle shell soup.

* * *

 **Psychology and Sociology:** difficult to pin down. They're semi social, at the very least. They don't engage in cannibalism, they have the mental capacity to form groups, but for most of their lives they choose not to. In their early life, they live as cave dwellers that don't travel far and typically hunt small prey and algae at night while hiding in their caves in the day. When going through what passes as Squirtle adolescence they form a posse and change from primarily secluded bottom feeders to organized, roaming hunters. Eventually, said hunting results in evolution into wartortle, the equivalent of full adulthood, and they compete for mates among their little group, and those that are successful at attracting one of the scarce females go off and mate, partnered for life, breeding constantly in an attempt to fend off the looming threat of total extinction. Those that do not mate gradually scatter, individually finding their own territories to improve their mating prospects, where they typically die alone after running into something bigger and meaner than they are.

Those that survive to become Blastoise, we don't know what role they fulfill in their social structure. Some theorize they continue to find a mate if they don't have one already, while other's think they outgrow the urge and instead dedicate themselves to killing apex predators that threaten squirtle. It's worth noting that Cinabar island, off the coast of Kanto, has dozens of mated pairs of Blastoise, so we're not completely in the dark.

Psychologically, in the wild the are inclined to total neutrality: they will always act in their best interests, in a way that minimizes their chances of total extinction. Good, because that means they are adaptable, and can be convinced to either not bother you or help you. Bad, because they can be convinced to work against you.

Of course, they're so rare in the wild you'll probably never encounter them, so you'll mostly be dealing with released ones or trainer ones...and at that high of a social complexity, no rules apply.

* * *

 **Combat:** As you might expect, it is highly, highly unlikely you will ever encounter one of these in the wild, and even less likely that you will encounter one that wants to kill you. As with most things, the best way to survive a fight with them is not to fight them, and they are intelligent for pokemon and EXTREMELY intelligent for reptiles. Reason prevails.

Furthermore, it's worth noting that they can have a stabilizing effect wherever they are present, at least for us humans. Their preferred prey (remoraid, tentacool, and corphish) are all noted as being extremely aggressive by HIS, and given squirtle's inclination to reason, an alliance can be struck between us and the little scaly bastards. Further down the line, it may be worthwhile to investigate a genetic shift treatment to stem the stillbirth of their females, as a means of creating 'safe' areas in sea zones.

Now, this being said, nothing is ever certain, and since- in an extremely feeble conservation effort, kantonese scientists began distributing them to trainers- there's always the possibility that you'll run into one that wants to fuck you up, down, and sideways, which is the main reason I'm actually bothering to write this fucking thing instead of scribbling "Try again disphits" on a sticky note and submitting it.

Squirtle: On land, .8 IU's, in water, 1.5 IU's. Not much to say: walking they're just a tad over harmless, they use water gun, which is high volume, high speed, but low pressure; at anything more than 4 meters it'll knock you over. If you were to let it sit in your lap they pressure could be anything between a bruise or a broken foot, but it doesn't have shit on body armor. They can also use bubble; which sounds cute, but those suckers are filled with compressed air, which feel like tiny fire crackers when they hit, which is as annoying as fuck, but more unpleasant than harmful. Also they can bite, and it's jaw is strong enough to take off a finger but not quite a hand, but the jaw muscles don't develop until adolescence and it's jaw force isn't anything special. The shell is hard, and can protect against fists and blades, but anything but the most pathetic peashooter will crack that thing open like a nut, and even a hammer or baseball bat can beat it's way through.

In the water, it's another story. They can swim fast, and create jets of water that make them faster. Our non-gunpowder weapons that our water soldiers are pathetic, and won't scratch the shells, and they can move in and pick your bones clean, then run out. Or, even better, they can fucking drown you. That's not to say they're dangerous generally, only that we don't have anything really prepared to counter them. They can't do much to submareines, but then, we don't like those, do we?

Wartortle: On land, 1.4 IU's, in water, 2 GU's. Even power increases aside, the entire mental state of a wartortle is different: at this point they've gone from scavengers to middling predators, they will be more aggressive. Their water guns aren't much stronger, but are faster and thus have more range; getting hit by one of these is going to be like getting shot by a .22 if they get within 12 meters (or at least, that's what we've calculated). This being said, their jaws are now strong enough to take of a hand, and the stronger ones can use water pulse, which is slower, but probably feels like having a bowling ball thrown at you by an Olympian, being pelted by a bunch of marbles all at once, and being forced listen to the ocean, The Anthem, and Unovan classical, at the same time.

That's what the first hand accounts say. I'm not going to pretend to know what fuck any of that means.

Other than that, their shells are tougher, so you need an actual fucking gun to shoot them. Just about any dedicated, non-hollow point round will do the trick.

In a six on six, if our good boys treat them like human combatants, they'll probably come out on top with minimal casualties.

In the water, again, we have no good counters. Everything applies that did with the squirtle, cept now they're bigger, faster, stronger, and meaner.

Blastoise: Pray to God none of our boys run into these, cause if you run into one of these...you better have him on speed dial. 24 IU's, 5 GU's, or .7 ME's (I need to think about changing this rating system). Imagine a small tank. Did it? Good, that's about it.

In all seriousness, there's nothing funny about these fuckers. An HIS record says that these things will typical stand out in the open to draw attention, laugh at the puny mortal's attempts to harm it with meager things such as spears, axes, arrows, Akim's, grenades, and rockets, while shooting back all the while with those retarded looking water canons on their backs blast everything around them apart.

First, we'll take a look at why exactly every attempt to kill it before it kills you looks like a joke. That shell from before now contains calcium, lime, and small amounts of iron, and is between two and three inches thick, it's skull is now sloped (mind you, in the same way a tank's hull is sloped) and a little more than an inch thick, it's knees are covered in additional calcium plates that are domed and- I shit you not-two inches thick. Even if you get past all these, the skin itself is probably about a quarter inch thick, and it's scales are partially calcified.

In conclusion: these things aren't even going to FEEL most small arms fire from the front, from the back it's just going to feel like it's getting rained on. Grenades from the front might knock it over, but it'll piss it off. Most headshots will BOUNCE off of the inclined skull. The only place it will actually be injured is the eyes, ears, tail, and back of the knee, and all of those places can be drawn into its shell. HEAT ammunition to the shell will be ineffective just because the distance between the shell and the thick hide is far enough that the liquid slurry will be dispersed, and will just burn the son of the bitch badly, which will only make it pissed.

And then there's the offensive side. The arms on these things could crush you head like a beer can, their legs have enough power to tip over a small lightly armored vehicle, or alternatively, pound dents into one. The fucking jaws on these things can take off an arm, a head, and if it were to get it's maws around your waist, it'll take a bite out of you like a cheeseburger. Even armored, you're still looking at a ton of broken ribs.

Notice how I haven't mentioned the canons yet.

Two canons, both of which can train on individual targets. Probable PSI can range anywhere from 4,000 to 45,000 PSI, with some of our largest and most insane estimates measuring as high as 75,000 PSI.

In case those numbers mean nothing to you, 3,000 PSI is roughly the capability of wartortle. It's the same pressure recommended by manufacturers of pressure washing equipment recommending it for cleaning concrete. It ALSO is the pressure that was used in the accidents that prompted the legal People VS. Rosswell industries, for failing to inform the dumbasses that 4,000 PSI is enough to blow a hole in your foot.

45,000 PSI is on the low end of what industrial water jet cutters for the purpose of cutting through concrete, and THIN STEEL.

A 75,000 PSI waterjet cutter can saw through 8 inches of steel in 40 minutes.

Combine this with the fact that it can fire accurately in a line at 160 feet, not to mention that it can cross that distance in roughly half a second before hitting the ground, and you find yourself fucked beyond unfucking.

Good news is, there are limits: based on recovered reports most of these canons lack the strength to actually support such pressure, so you're more likely to encounter the ones that can fire between 4,000 to 20,000, which can still mangle you, but won't punch through lightly armoured vehicles at close range.

There's a number of reasons why this isn't as terrifying as it sounds: higher pressure blasts can only be maintained for about a second, and have a much longer cooldown (for a 2 second spray of 75,000 PSI, our nerds estimated a cool down of 10 minutes, whereas 45,000 could be maintained for five with a cooldown of eight minutes, and anything less than 6,000 could be used indefinitely). They don't work well against tanks for the same reason anti tank weapons don't work well against them. And they can't fire on targets while moving.

That doesn't mean they can't use them to shoot at the ground and somehow push themselves off the ground for fast movement though, as is reported. I'm not going to even try to reason that out, but it will be accounted for.

Shifting away from what they can do and what they DO do...they are capable of everything that their younger forms are, along with being able to coat their tails in water with some kind of viscious bladed aqua tail, protect itself with fucking energy shields, reinforce it's shell with energy shields, cause short rain showers by saturating clouds with water (Again, don't fucking ask me. There is an EXTREMELY long cooldown, but even then, the only answer that comes to mind is god damned magic), and blowing things apart with water canons, then closing distance and tearing you to pieces with its hands.

There's a few tricks that can be exploited in all of them, in a combat situation, which can slightly increase your chances of survival, and actually allow you to kill the big ones.

Scenarios in which you might encounter them as hostiles are 1) scavenging squirtle, 2) hunting pack of squirtle, 3) Trained Squirtle, 4) hunting pack of wartortle, 5) Roaming wartortle, 6) mated pair of wartortle, 7) trained wartortle, 9) Single blastoise.

Because there's so many, and some of them are almost fucking oxymoronic, and because there's no good reason for you to ever encounter one, I'll keep them brief.

Bear in mind, most of the following is determined by logic, simulations, and HIS.

1) You're unlikely to encounter it out of water, and unless it's starting to reach adolescence, they'll prefer to avoid anything larger than them in and out of water. If you're hunting them, just shoot them anywhere. If they're hunting you, don't let them get close, or else they'll shoot water or bubbles at you to get you off balance and bite you, then blow a hole in you. Not that any of that matters if you just SHOOT THE DAMN THING.

In water, just swim for your life. if it keeps dragging you to the bottom, either shoot it with your harpoon gun or grab ahold of it and then let go, and it'll swim away.

2) Squirtle don't have the tactical mind set or aggression to dictate proper fights in the two dimensional plane that is land combat, and typically won't go after targets much larger than themselves. From what I can see, if they get caught on land, they try to spread out fire on a target, and jump in their shells when the target get's too close, buying time while the others continue to fire an wear it down. But, again, you're not fucking cavemen, just shoot the damn things. Treat it like an actual fire fight, and you'll be better than fine.

In the water, abandon all hope. We don't have the means to combat them in the water, our current submarine infantry scouts are only equipped with small crossbows and thin chain armor, neither of which are going to amount to much when they move too fast to shoot, and can just drag you to the bottom and wait for you to run out of air. Best way to handle these is to travel in groups of at least four, which, you should be doing anyway, as they prefer to tackle either one or two targets at a time. For the dumbass that ignores my advice, your best chance of getting out of there alive is to either play dead, wait for them to come close, and THEN shoot the thing, or to preserve oxygen by not moving and waiting for help.

3) Trained squirtle are a lot like a mix between the two above, but imagine more aggression and more movement- they might actually try to take cover and avoid hunkering down in the open. Social complexity makes it impossible to say anything more for certain.

4) On land, treat them like human combatants. They can be aggressive, they can move from cover to cover, they can try to flank you, and their water jets are a lot like extremely short range, weak small arms fire. Your rifles are more than strong enough to punch through their shells, most of the time. In the water, everything else applies as with squirtle, but with an extra dash of doom.

5) Roamers are interesting: They seem to be equally comfortable in land in and in water, and are proficient at fighting in both. They hunt on land primarily by means of ambush: hiding in their shells, waiting for something to pass, then disabling it with a water jet and closing distance to finish it off with its jaws. If you survive the initial attack, or are on the offensive yourself, treat it like a human combatant. Just- and I should have mentioned them earlier, but I forgot how little faith I have in you jackasses these days- aim primarily for flat surfaces, and try to hit center mass. If you hit the very top of the shell there's a chance you can snap it's spine, but it's a small target.

In the water, same trick, play dead, spring the trap, have turtle for dinner. It's a bit easier, cause from what little info we have it looks like roamers favor using they're jaws to attack, and will typically be more direct: none of that drowning bull shit; they'll swim in, take a chunk out of you, try to get out, and repeat.

6) Mated pairs are like packs, just typically stronger, faster, but less aggressive and less inclined to take risks. Of everything on this list, these are what you are least likely to come into conflict with (granted, everything here is unlikely), and they'll only go against single targets. They also use ambushes like roamers, but if you get ambushed by one of these, then you're not going to be alive long enough to worry about it.

7) Trained ones are like mated pairs, just not in pairs.

8) And now for the one that actually fucking matters. These things are old, clever, and pissed off that they were almost hunted to extinction by a bunch of Unovans hipsters that thought that wartortle tails and squirtle shells were hip and would 'help to harmonize their inner selves with the sea', or something equally so God damned retarded and so distinctly fucking Unovan I want to reach for an icepick for a quick lobotomy.

Course, never helped that the kantonese and Johtoans that hunted them like they were fucking gold never noticed that the proportion of turtles with dicks and turtles with no dicks was suddenly skewed.

In the water...we don't fucking know what they're capable in the water, but it's safe to assume you have no fucking chance in scuba gear, and that even a submarine might have a problem holding up against a pissed off Blastoise that wants to fuck you up, down, and sideways.

On land, there's so many ways for one of these things to kill you I don't know where to start, so instead I'm attaching a link to a video that was somehow taken by someone on a battle between a Charizard and a Blastoise since the priming. To take the suspense out of it, it ends with the blastoise forcing the charizard to land by causing rain, then marched through fire on it's cooldown, let the charizard chip its claws and teeth on it's face, ripped off both of it's wings, and separated it's head from it's body by biting through it's neck. Anything that has the intelligence and brute strength to manage that is no a bitch with which to fuck.

They're comfortable at both close and medium ranges. If against a single opponent they'll use their water to cream or suppress you while rapidly closing distance to tear you multiple new ones. Against multiple targets they'll typically hunker down in favorable terrain if possible, alternating between spotting targets on two legs, adjusting positioning on all fours, and then firing while within the safety of its shell on near targets, until everything around it has pulled its head out of its ass and is running away, or figured out it's fucked and died already.

Weaknesses: Tanks, anti-material weaponry, maybe grenades for the big ones. The shells are thick and strong, but there's no way they can stand up to even a 20mm full composite round, and given that they shell is a large target AND fused with the spine, shattering the top half can likely cause permanant paralysis and death in short order. The little ones are easy enough to kill out of water without any fancy weapons.

 **Recommendation: HE GRENADES:** Now, for a real hard fucker won't have too hard of a time with one of these, but for the average Joe, equipped as he is right now, has only two options: run in rambo style and try to score a lucky shot on one of the few weak spots before being turned into paste, or manage a lucky grenade.

I'm going place emphasis on the second option: when lacking force, use more force, as a general rule. Now, I've been put on record with opinions on saying to NOT throw grenades like cotton candy, but like I've also gone on record saying only politicians and pencil pushers believe in absolutes. Explosives have the extra 'oomph' necessary to give our boys an edge. Getting a grenade within one meter of one of these is enough to take them out of the fight for a solid minute. If you land one in front of it while it's on all fours, the pure force could at minimum cause some brain damage, and at best snap its neck. Landing a grenade under the shell while in his position could- between the closeness, weight, large surface area of bottom of the shell, comparative weakness of the lower shell, flatness of the lower shell- you're looking at a massive amount of transferred energy- potentially enough to shatter the shell, crack ribs, rearrange organs- the likes.

If infantry wants to stay viable when there's a chance that your average soldier could run into one of these, or something as tough as one of these, they need an increase in lethality. Our soldiers are equipped to kill Kantonese, not fucking monsters. You can either replace rifles, replace ammunition, or replace grenades (Unless you want to teach them all how to charge entrenched enemies with hammers). Our Akims have limited effectiveness, and the new challenger rifles are currently less than useless against one of these things, so unless you want to roll out a new line of rifles so fucking nasty that only our BT's would be able to hold and fire. A god damned child can throw a grenade competently, and the transition from throwing dodgeballs and baseballs to grenades is seamless. They have the power and versatility to be used against larger, more dangerous belligerents.

I recommend that you take this shit seriously, and that you begin developing a series of high explosive grenades for this purpose; minimum fragmentation, heavy weight, maximum bang, and begin drilling soldiers with them immediately.

The alternative is to drill our soldiers with fucking maces, but then, given the nature of this war is likely to devolve into a lot of close quarters brawling, that might be a viable avenue.

God Fucking Damnit, I just recommend we go into war armed with STICKS.

* * *

 **Freaks:**

Mega Blastoise: What's better than a 300 pound walking weapons platform with two canons? Try a 450 pound walking weapons platform with three canons.

I don't have to explain why we don't know anything about how these things work. From pictures and video we've extrapolated that these things have heavier shells, calcium growths on the entire front of the thing, a thicker shell, stronger canons (especially the one on it's back), and-unlike blastoise- they can fire on the move. Those two canons on its arms mean it can fire on multiple targets in a 180-degree field of fire while on the move.

I rate these at a solid **1 ME,** the only good news is that those canons make it harder to flip back off of their back if they get flipped. If you find one of these things staring you down, I don't care how man people you have, unless you have a tank, you should throw all of your grenades, disengage, and retreat rapidly.

* * *

 **Summary:**

 **Encountering any of the above in the field is highly unlikely:** Given the lack of overlap between our environments, typical neutrality of squirtle, and their rarity, you are unlikely to come into contact with wild squirtle.

 **Relations with the above should be considered "Live and let Live" or "Mutually Beneficent":** For the reasons stated above, we are unlikely to come into conflict with them, both generally and on an individual level. Shoot at them if you have to, but their enemies are typically our enemies, so it's best to leave them to their own devices, nudging them in one direction or another if it benefits us, maybe bailing them out here or there.

 **There is presently no effective way to engage them underwater:** As stated earlier, we have no way for infantry to properly counter these things in the water. If such is necessary, it is better to rely on other water types to combat them.

 **Exploring a cure for the squirtle disease is recommended:** If the stillbirth disease in squirtle could be reversed, their numbers could be replenished quickly, and if their loyalties were secured they could solve our lack of aquatic infantry and help to secure our coast lines against the looming tentacool threat. Raising cured squirtle in captivity presents an opportunity that may give us an edge.

 **In the event of hostilities with squirtle or wartortle, engage them as you would human combatants:** As stated above, their attacks are at most comparable to small arms fire, and wartortle are tactically similar to melee eager soldiers and squirtle are tactically similar to stupid soldiers.

 **In the event of hostilities with blastoise without anti-material weaponry- it is recommended to use grenades and then disengage:**...for the reasons made clear above, small arms fire are not typically effective against blastoise. Thrown grenades may at best kill and at least stun long enough for you to rapidly retreat out of the canons' effective range, confirm the kill or injury, and regroup with heavy weapons support.

 **In the even of hostilities with mega-blastoise without armored support or heavy gunship support, it is recommended to use grenades and then disengage:** For the reasons stated above, you are best off running for your life, finding tank or artillery support, zoning and then killing it with extreme prejudice.

 **The development of specialized HE grenades should be a priority:** We need to pack an extra, cheaper punch for things that can pick our Joe's out of their teeth. When lacking force, use more force.

 **-ME**


	5. Chapter 5: Caterpie, Metapod, Butterfree

I finally took a minute to look at some of the items on this list, and realized I have a few fucks to give about most of these. Caterpie, before and after this shitstorm, act stupid and generally harmless. On the other side of the spectrum, you have the nasty, hard fuckers like Rhydon that divine intervention couldn't save you from, and then the godamn absurd like Kabutops and Omnastar- which, given my knowledge, went extinct before mammals were a thought, and then you have the ambitious ones- Mew? What in the fuck is a Mewtwo? Why the fuck is Lugia underlined? What are you snorting with our tax dollars?

* * *

 **Basic Info:** If you don't know what a caterpie is, then you're either too godamn stupid or too godamn sheltered to be reading this in the first place. The line is extremely profilic in Kanto and Johto and belongs to the bug egg group (no shit). Caterpie are by far the most plentiful form, and they have to be, because literally everything else that they come into contact with shits on them, has always shat on them, and will always shit on them, until either they are extinct or the world ends- whichever comes later.

At a glance there's nothing special about them, but there's some weird things that come into play that will be discussed later. They have a surprisingly wide arsenal of things that just barely come up short of being pants-shitingly dangerous, ranging from a strong silk analogue, various toxic pollens that they collect from plants, and slight telekinetic abilities. You can expect to see them more or less anywhere (the result of exporting for their silk producing capabilities), but are mostly found in Johto and Kanto.

Caterpie can be anywhere between 2 and 6 pounds before they cocoon up, metapod 6 and 18 pounds (This is likely an outlier, recorded from pokedex entries), and 30 and…evidently 70 pounds, but we have yet to recover any specimens larger than forty pounds, which leads me to conclude whoever wrote this is either a traitor or a dumbass.

There's nothing else that can be said here, except that pokedex entries are still an act of counter espionage.

* * *

 **History:** It is believed that caterpie originate from Shanxi, and they were brought with them by the first wave of Shanxian migration to the Orrean/Union landmass. For a very long time the silk produced was a primary export of Kanto. The first recorded instance of corporate espionage was ETO stealing high quality caterpie eggs and silk producing equipment from Kanto, and smuggling it back to his tribe.

It should be noted that not all Caterpie have the capability for making silk of the quality that we hear so much about (if they were, then it would be fucking worthless), but all of their silk can be processed into an extremely tough textile-Ransein daimyos swallowed their godamn pride and wore silk dresses because they could stop arrows, and even in more modern examples many high and mighty politicians, aristocrats, and mob leaders wear them due to their bullet resistance (In the Raden incident, the one of the victim's suits was observed to be shot six times with a low caliber handgun without being penetrated).

* * *

 **Biology:** Again, surprisingly straightforward, despite the intense changes that it goes through in each evolution. Given that they are all over the fucking place, we have plenty of samples to examine, for once.

Caterpie are simple: they have two tubes in their body- one is a primitive spinal cord, and the other is the digestive tract- which really is just a long asshole. The head has a primitive brain, but it hardly much of anything, which makes their psychology fucking freaky, but I digress. Their 'blood' if you call it that, is a viscous fluid that carries oxygen from small, thin parts of the exoskeleton that exposes the inside of the body the atmosphere indirectly, and it has two muscles that function like a heart to pump the fluid through the body cavity.

Metapod are also somewhat simple- a hard carapace with another neural tube that lies along the stomach, and the rest of it's insides are mush. The pokedex says that they can spill their insides out if they jostle, but that's load of bullshit.

Butterfree are the only ones that have anything approaching a complex biology- a more advanced digestive system, wings that are capable of gas exchange, compound eyes that can pick out motion from anywhere in a hundred meters 270 degrees in front of it, an immunity to most plant toxins, a larger brain to support sight, smell, and higher thought, a larger neural tube, and other goodies.

The biology of the Butterfree itself is not complicated, and not at all freaky. Their intelligence is somewhat distributed through the neural tube- which is still along the stomach- and they have the intelligence to manage some basic telekinetic abilities.

* * *

 **Psychology and Sociology:** A week ago, I would have written them off as having minimal intelligence, but one of our nerds had a hunch, went out and collected his own subjects, and conducted his own experiment with a two dozen caterpie completely under the radar, and found some interesting new intelligence baselines based on specific conditions and stages of development using advanced EEG mapping.

Caterpie, as it turns out, are every bit as fucking retarded as we thought, USUALLY. Their brains are extremely malnourished, given that most of their calories consumed goes towards evolution. When fed higher energy food and laying around all day without expecting death from above, brain development and intelligent activity increases by a pretty fucking significant degree- including problem solving, pattern recognition and- If the nerd knows what he's talking about- existential contemplation (the research seems to align, based on what papers I've read, but could be just as wrong).

Metapod that are nourished well enough are recorded to be capable of, of all things, EMPATHY, not only with other caterpie, not other insects, but every manner of creature from humans to magikarp. Those that are not still maintain a higher level of intelligence and are capable of developing distinct personalities.

Once they become butterfree, you have, under most conditions, a pokemon with the intelligence of a young teenager. Empathy, personality, and social contracts are not above their comprehension. That being said, they're still fucking bugs. More complex abstract ideas such as law and time are far beyond them.

Their ability to reason and solve problems directly correlates to how much they are tested in the later stages of their caterpie form, and the period for such development is brief, and so while they have very high level of social complexity, they have limited rational intelligence.

I'd give the nerd a pat on the back, but he's kept all the damned things around since presenting his findings. There's a pink buterfree looking over my shoulder right now, and I can see in the reflection of my screen that the little fuck is scowling at me, thinking that it's tough shit. Thankfully, the fuckers can't read, so it doesn't know how close it got to getting swatted.

Socially? Semi-social, like most similar bug-flying types, they spend their initial stages of life cold, alone, and thinking everything is out to kill them- because everything is. Those that actually survive to adulthood pick mates and join "migratory swarms", with thousands of surviving butterfree, where they migrate to suitable climates, disperse, then meet up again and migrate. It's worth noting that a fair number of them- based on kantonese observations- do mate for life, and that if a handful of butterfree live in close proximity in one region, they are likely to live in close proximity when they migrate again.

Neutral-Neutral. Don't fuck with them and they won't fuck with us, but if we scratch their backs they'll scratch ours. They prefer flight to fight, and they don't usually band together in numbers greater than six to fight anything but beedril, which they hate with a passion, compete with for nectar, and enjoy stealing that piss-poor excuse from their nests.

I would say these are one of the ones that we ought to support and maintain good relations with. Their intelligence, empathy, and non-violent inclinations could make them useful to us, though the fact that they fuck like animals and reproduce like it's the end of the fucking world makes me feel shaky on the idea of integration.

* * *

 **Combat** \- Caterpie and metapod are less dangerous than a fart in the wind- caterpie avoid combat because they're terrible at it, and the worst they'll typically do is tangle you up in silk, and use the opportunity to wriggle away quietly, laughing at your dumb ass. They are edible in stews, but otherwise they're too tough to swallow.

Metapod on the other hand, are stationary, which works well for them, since they blend in well, and you shouldn't give a fuck because they're fucking metapod. They sit there and do nothing. You could kill one with a heavy boot or a hammer or something like that, but what kinda weak ass punk needs to kill a godamn stationary cocoon?

Butterfree are typically non-aggressive, so long as you don't subject them to an inconsiderate amount of fuckery, and they usually don't form groups to tackle problems other than beedrill hives. If they do come after you expect half a dozen to two dozen angry butterflies coming after you-just the ones in your immediate area.

This being said, everyone knows they're not dangerous, they don't have the mindset for combat, they aren't capable of producing many offensive moves without time or assistance, in terms of battle statistics they are far behind most other common pokemon, and if I start talking calmly and saying that something is a threat I'm fucking lying, and anyone that doesn't realize that are a special scientific MARVEL that should be sent to labs to study how any living creature can survive with less brain activity than a god damn turnip.

Underestimate NOTHING Jenkins. The minute that you think you are badder or smarter than one of these fucking insects is the minute you're recycled into compost, and I have to inform a mother that she did a shit job of parenting and her son is fucking dead because he was strutting a battlefield when he was fucked up by a godamn slowpoke.

Butterfree in particular are fucking crafty. You'd be right to assume that they don't learn many moves naturally- most go through life only learning weak telekinetic abilities, silver wind, and supersonic. This being said, they are immune to most plant toxins, know it, and actively collect them on their legs and wings. Remember how eating a Bulbasaur would make you want make your insides outsides? They will COLLECT that shit, and throw it at you.

The good news is they're good at not using them willy nilly, and they won't release them unless they want you to die, so your chances of getting hit by second hand spores is small. This being said, I would attempt to steer clear of their migration swarms in spring on principle.

Since they are heavily exposed to toxic materials, I would not recommend eating any of these.

I'm only really going to bother rating Butterfree.

Butterfree: .5 IU's on their own. They're crafty, but they aren't discrete, and they present a large target. We have ways to treat most of the things they throw at us, but a single round to the thorax will put that thing in the ground in seconds. They do have weak telekinetic abilities, but they only work within ten meters, and if you let them get that close A) you're so godamn incompetent stepping out of your moma's basement in the first place was a mistake, B) it's still easy to overcome them, since the extent of their creativity with telekinesis is "Push him at a tree."

This being said, if you get them in a pack, you're looking at a hell of a time. If they're 1:1 with the group they're attacking, they get bumped up to 1 GU collectively, and that score scales with every butterfree added. They aren't that fast, but they'll circle you, using telekinesis to throw you off balance like a fucking force of nature, then using spores, then using another host of attacks to delay you until you're convulsing on the ground like a dancing Unovan.

There's three ways I can see someone fighting these: 1) a butterfree, 2) between 6 and 24 butterfree, 3) a migration swarm of thousands of butterfree.

If it's just one butterfree, they are more likely to run than fight, and if you need it dead that bad, just shoot it in the fucking back, it might try to use whirlwind to cover it's escape, but even if it does think to do so the move fails as often as it doesn't. If, you manage to somehow make the bug so fuckangry it actually charges you, it will probably attempt to use silver wind or psybeam (if it knows it), and tackle you, releasing spores as it does so. This being said, they are insects, and you have no excuse for letting them get that close in the first place.

If it's a group of butterfree, they fight in the way outlined above. Your best chance of surviving the encounter is to break out of the encirclement, with extreme violence. Staying mobile will make it harder to encircle you and use their attacks without hitting one another, and if you split into two groups it'll hurt them more than you. If you manage to kill a third of them or break out of their circle with enough force they'll route on the spot.

If you wind up fighting a migratory swarm, don't. I don't care if you have an army yourself, tanks, anti-air guns. Do not engage, consider that an order from almighty HIS.

You have no godamn reason to, and they will respond by flying over you, and dropping hundreds of pounds of toxic powder on your camp. Nobody has enough antidote to treat that much exposure- you WILL die, withering in pain on the ground, knowing you accomplished jack shit.

Moves: Butterfree have quite a few, but they don't have the creativity to not use them in the exact same way. They have minor telekinetic abilities (confusion, psybeam) that they'll use to knock you around- based on our tests here in lab we found that they are not lethal to even unarmored soldiers, unless they push you off a cliff. The force is comparable to being tackled by a high-school wrestler, or my ex-wife, but unlike either of them the attack is brief and isn't sustained long enough to-hypothetically- throw you out of a third floor hospital window.

Gust is a given (my confusion as to how it fucking works aside), but is used in the same way as the telekinesis, but weaker. Silverwind too, but it's more fucking unpleasant than dangerous. Supersonic is possible but not favored, due to the difficulty of control, and how they don't want to hit other butterfree.

The above moves are typically used to push around and disorient the target, while the real damage is done by grass powders. They tend to favor stun spore for attacking, sleep powder for escaping, and poison powder as a final "Fuck you" before retreating from a fight. As long as you don't get a full lungful of any of these you'll be fine. If you do for sleep powder, as long as you there's not a fucking pound of it wafting around when you hit the dirt, you'll wake up in two to four hours and be able to return to camp and get mocked for getting your ass handed to you. A full lung of poison powder isn't as bad as it sounds. The toxin itself is a weak cardiac glycoside, which fucks with the electric gradient in your muscles- which can cause shaking, chills, and increased heart rate, and arrythmia- but it has a low affinity for human cardiac cells, and seems to be mostly effective against birds. Cardiac arrest is a potential outcome, but it would take substantial amounts which is unlikely, over the course of a couple hours, which you shouldn't let happen, as we do have means of treating it. Anyone receiving medical treatment for large doses of it within 70 minutes has a 100% recovery chance, and at 90 minutes you're looking at a 64% recovery chance. These times can be extended through cheap antidotes though and can buy you at most half an hour- I recommend fielding these with our troops.

A full lung of stun spore means death in ten minutes without treatment. It's a strong Ca2+ pump inhibitor with a HIGH affinity for human cardiac muscle, which, if you didn't know, is necessary for chemical synapsing of nerves. Where does I go after inhaled oh great and powerful ME, you ask? Into the lungs, where it diffuses from the alveoli into the blood, and straight to the heart.

Full paralysis occurs in three minutes at most, unless medicine is administered. After that, death between five to ten minutes.

There is good news-even butterfree seem queasy about this, and will only carry small quantities unless they're hunting beedrill. There are cheap medicines that can buy you up to 30 minutes without cardiac arrest for the first dose, then between five and ten minutes for each subsequent dose, and if you seek medical attention, your chance of surviving are relatively high (70%). If you make it that far.

Weaknesses:

Bullets- It's a godamn bug, soldier up, and shoot the fuckers.

Fire- It's a good answer for most forest dwelling pokemon- butterfree in particular are susceptable to smoke 'inhalation', since their wings are also surfaces for gas exchange- even small amounts of smoke can cause death in a short period of time.

Insecticide- if the behavior of these changes, we can preemptively apply one of the effective insecticides to the plants they draw nectar from- this is without a doubt the best way to tackle a swarm, but expect some ecological damage- buterfree are one of the few freaks these days that contribute to ecological stability, instead of disrupting it- and are at the moment the least fuckangry and violent pollinators in kanto and Johto.

Mass- Again, they are fucking bugs. The weak ass exoskeleton does not compensate for the lack of an internal skeleton, and they're about as durable as your standard Unovan college snowflake. If you run at them, you can go through them like a boot through dog shit.

* * *

 **Freaks:**

Quiverers: There is one, and while not biological different from the rest, it's scary enough that it can't be tossed in with the rest of the lot. According to HIS, LOGO only lost two fights in his life time- one to an angry agron that dropped a cave on him, and a butterfree with quiver dance.

These things are in no ways comparable to butterfree in terms of combat. They get the high shelf moves like rage powder, air slash, and quiver dance that can turn a man into mush. They either fight alone or in groups of three or four. And they enjoy fighting. Take your basic Butterfree. Make it six to twelve times faster, give it a thirst for blood, an arsenal of effective moves, and a telekinetic shield that can bounce a hyper beam.

Then you have a quiverer.

Good news is that the effects of the quiver only last between five and twelve minutes, and takes between ten and fifteen to charge back up, with very little movement. If they inhale smoke while quivering they might die outright.

1 ME, but I'd have to work for it, hard. Probably burn down a forest. If there were two of them my chances would go down to fifty-fifty at best. Three of them and my chances would barely be around 10%. As a general rule, do not engage. If you do, put as many hard barriers between you and them, try to track their movements, and engage after they slow down, if they are still around. If not, pack up and leave immediately.

* * *

Summary:

 **Friendly relations should be explored:** Given their intelligence, dislike of more aggressive pokemon such as Beedril, and availability we stand to benefit from one another. Caterpie could be captured and raised on frontier towns, for additional defenses. Integration is not advised, as their large generation sizes could lead to rapid overpopulation.

 **(Addendum: After looking at some preliminary information on our research into Beedrill, I cannot emphasize this enough- we'd rather have these things WITH us than AGAINST us. Their natural inclination against beedril and taste for beedrill honey gives us a natural ally against what could potentially be our most disturbing enemy to date. This will be elaborated more on the next document, but until then I'm suiting up and heading to Johto, this is something I need to verify for myself.)**

 **Under no conditions should a migrating swarm be engaged:** Do you want to die today? In addition to the issue of chemical warfare, there's probably at least a couple of quiverers in the group. If you piss them off, better to play dead until the storm passes.

 **In the event of combat, your primary goal will be to break the encirclement:** Easier said than done, when your enemies are knocking you around with telekinetic pulses, but necessary. If you can break out, better to split into two groups, to make future encirclement difficult.

 **When travelling in areas where they are present, carrying appropriate anti-toxins is recommended:** This is, after all, where most of the fatalities would come from. I would recommend at minimum distribution to non-commissioned officers **,** squad leaders, and medics, and I recommend when possible the production and fielding of mobile medical transports that can treat the effects of stun spore and the like.

 **The applications of caterpie silk should be researched:** While not as durable as spinarak silk, it is easier and safer to harvest, IE cheaper, so it's an avenue worth exploring.

 **In the event of conflict with a quiverer, use of controlled burnings, attritional tactics, and smoke grenades is recommended:** Non-conventional tactics are necessary for non-conventional enemies. Controlled burnings can ward them off, buying you time, and smoke grenades can nullify their speed by slowing their respiration.

 **Caterpie are a potential, easily available emergency food source:** Unethical, in light of their intellectual capacity, but given the choice between sacrificing a worm and letting a soldier starve to death, I'd pick the soldier every time. With this in mind, consider how much of this study you want to release in the final parts of this document- I don't give a damn about the hippies that will come for my head, but somebody might.

 **Butterfree should be assumed to be intelligent parties:** If they can empathize and reason at least a little bit, that complicates and redefines our attitude towards them.

- **ME**


	6. Chapter 6: Weedle, Kakuna, Beedrill

The project director is presently indisposed, as he is still recovering from his expedition into Johto. The expedition itself had mixed results- a large number of samples were successfully retrieved; however, the original retrieval team was wiped out except for one man that has been rendered comatose.

As he is currently unavailable, and that this information could be useful effective immediately, I have taken it upon myself to assemble this dossier personally.

* * *

 **Basic information:** The beedril line is a poison-bug type that belongs in the aptly named bug egg group. This specimen is extremely prolific in Kanto and Johto, uncommon in kalos and goes through life in three evolutionary stages. Contrary to Caterpie- their distant relatives and ecological rivals- the weedle population is more evenly split between these forms.

Weedle themselves typically weigh between 1 and 4 pounds., kakuna between 8 and 12 pounds, and Beedrill are an interesting case- the vast majority of recovered beedril weighed between 22 and 34 pounds, however, there was a single (especially mutilated) beedril that was estimated to have weighed almost 70 pounds, prior to be dismembered and set ablaze with gelling incendiaries.

* * *

 **Biology:** The biology of beedril has proven to be both horrifying and fascvhjklpo=\

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* * *

It's my fucking job, and no way in hell am I letting some fucking POG take it from me. Papa didn't raise no bitch.

I've got good news and bad news. Bad news is your blue water boys are fucking dead, even the one I managed to drag back (Od'd, while I was visiting him. Someone left morphine lying around, and he was awake long enough to not want to be. Better this way, I think).

All of them were torn to fucking pieces- whipped worse than a Kalosian whore. I was unaware that you were sending fucking MARINES into the Union mountains on scouting missions to acquire samples. I've taken the liberty of recruiting some old buddies of mine, should wind up at that place I shouldn't know about around the time you get this. Half are rangers, half are jaegers, all are hard fuckers that aren't liable to be turned into god damn worm food.

I'm a bit worried that most of our big names are getting past their prime; our youngest Ranger officer is thirty-nine, and the next youngest is forty-five, and aside from our Guards there's not any other organization I would trust to wipe my ass, let alone go on an expedition into Johto. The decision to rearm came just in the nick of time, but our training of regional militias into a professional army is only half complete, and the government's decision to oversee it personally means that there's a lot of people in places they shouldn't be, and we aren't taking full advantage of our veterans, because these pencil pushers are too godamned naïve to forgive our old Guard for how the last one turned out, never mind we weren't prepared, were outnumbered, and still Goldenrod would have fallen in a month and we would have stormed Saffron if not for the fluke of that fucking poser, Geir.

There needs to be change, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

Good news is that you don't have to wonder if there's such a thing as hell; I've been there and it's called Johto. Took me an ugly ass divorce and an uglier fucking marriage to figure that out it exists, you by comparison, you have it easy.

I just realized that she always wanted me to be more religious. Hah.

In case you weren't getting the reports, half of Johto seems to be GONE. Olivine city appears to be mostly intact, and I met with inhabitants there, and evidently every city in the northern half of the region is gone- burned to ash by some fucking zombie cat. I haven't gotten any word from the Goldenrod Peninsula, but I'm not holding my breath.

More to the fucking point, the beedrill themselves are fucking nightmares, and you're about to find out why.

* * *

 **The FUBAR:** Feels like everything here with regards to these things are related to another thing that's fucked up with them- like a fucking cesspool of godamn evil and ugly.

Weedle are like Caterpie; a neural tube and a digestive tube. The difference is that they have that fucking stinger- which is a fucking roulette wheel of painful, nasty, and nastier. There's a twenty percent chance that the thing is not loaded (given the gracious sample size I managed to procure), a thirty percent chance the thing is loaded with a strong paralytic, and then you have the fifty percent chance that the thing is loaded with another fucking weedle.

Here's the thing- Weedle have a batch of…I don't know what to fucking call these. They're embryonic stem cells inhibited by weedle toxins. Good thing for them that they are inhibited, cause without those toxins they'd go fucking crazy and every godamn weedle would die of cancer (A potential target for biowarfare). Thing is, outside the weedle, these cells can quickly divide by using the host's resources, developing first into a tumor, and then into a weedle, which then chest burst, like that cheap movie from forty years ago (Fuck, that long?).

This is, pants-shittingly-terrifyingly, is the second-best outcome. Blood flow tends to drive them towards the thoracic cavity, where they either rest in the chest cavity or the abdominal area. In the case of the latter (which our guy had the singular honor of experiencing), you crush the little fucking nightmare with your bare fucking hands till its eyes pop out, scoop your insides back inside, and then get bandaged up, sewed up, and a hell of a lot of blood transfused- ideally while catatonic (that guy very nearly made it, if not for the fucking quack leaving godamned morphine lying around).

The alternative is that it bursts from your chest, which I imagine is very, very painful, but also fast.

No, the alternative is that you get that paralytic which, funnily enough, targets primarily the sarcoplasmic reticulum of skeletal muscle, preventing depolarization. In effect, your heart is beating, your diaphragm is pumping air, you can see and feel just fine, but you can't move a single godamn inch.

Those of you in tinfoil hats probably know where this is going.

The twenty pound hornets then drag you back to your nest, shove you in either a dark corner or a small piece of honey comb, and then the big bitches- the fucking queens- plant more fucking eggs in you, and you sit there, force fed that toxic excuse for honey- which, surprise fucking surprise, also contains the same fucking paralytics- until you are torn apart from the inside out. Evidently itching comes first, first localized, then generally throughout the blood, then burning, then itching, then intense stabbing.

What the thing that happens after that feels like is a question that's been asked since the dawn of time.

I managed to recover a dozen people from the first nest, and a little under two dozen from the second. In both of them combined, there must have been at least two-hundred victims, possibly as many as six hundred, since I destroyed the nest before seeing all of it. Three-quarters of these victims were children- not as hard to fly away with, I guess.

Egg incubation periods can end in as short as four days, and from there weedle can mature fully in as much as a week. In the particularly unfortunate victims, I found some still 'alive' with as many as eight weedle in their body, three weeks after being abducted.

The 'good news' is that those that are rescued in six days can probably survive. The adults rescued were exposed to either chemotherapy or invasive surgery for egg termination. The most successful recovery rate came from those that received antimetabolite chemotherapy (74 percent, pulling ahead of the second most effective treatment by 15 percent). The children that received this treatment had a 68 percent survival rate.

Invasive surgery was found to be the most effective treatment for those infected for over a week, with a survival rate of 46 percent. With the aid of the one person to have so far made a full recovery (an adult male rescued only sixteen hours after his abduction), we have identified most of the victims on site, and established time frames in which they were abducted. Brief examination on site determined that the only effective treatment for those infected for more than two weeks could be administered by any soldier, provided he has the stomach.

Hypnosis may be necessary to help cope with this trauma, using memory influencing techniques to shorten the perception of time spent captive. Additionally, only one of the victims has made a full recovery from the paralytic- the scientists say that the recovery may take as long as seven months and may not begin for five weeks after being rescued, if at all. Further research will be necessary.

* * *

 **Biology:** There is nothing special to be said about kakuna. The weedle eat leaves, that piss poor honey, and meat until they have enough food stored to make the transformation, which can take between two and four weeks. The majority of the population of both hives I encountered were kakuna, but this is most likely due to the priming only occurring recently. They are- as you should have fucking guessed- poisonous- the toxic honey undergoes chemical reactions in the kakuna that in any other creature would cause a very fast, very painful, and very screamy death.

Beedrill are more complex. The ones we have can be split into four categories: Drones, Workers, Queens, and Princesses. The main differences between these are intelligence/neuron density, overall size, and reproductive system differences.

Other than these, beedrill are quite similar- large compound eyes that provide a field of vision of 270 degrees, scent/pheromone sensitive antennae, a simple neural tube along the stomach, wings that act as gas exchange surfaces, two forearms armed with nasty stingers with small amounts of the paralytic, a massive stinger with large amounts of the paralytic, a slightly more complex digestive system that supports the production and digestion of honey, and a two simple pseudo hearts that pump the internal fluid between the two ends of the body.

Good news with these is that they don't bleed so much as they break- a single shot to the abdomen will kill them almost instantly by shattering the exoskeleton, causing the viscous blood-like substance to fall out in globs, too quickly for it to react.

With regards to the differences between each type;

Drones are the most common and run of the mill- basically no intelligence, but they have a decent size- typically between 22 and 30 pounds. These are the swarmers, the grunts that do most of the resource gathering. They are females, but sterile.

Workers are the next most common, but the gap between them and the workers are massive- they are males, slightly more intelligent than swarmers, smaller (18-24 pounds), and are responsible for hive building and maintenance. They seemed more docile when I killed them- it took them a moment to process that I was there and murderfucking every godamn thing in the fucking hive before rushing me, as opposed to springing at the opportunity to jump potential prey.

Princesses are an odd bunch- only you can't tell the differences from the outside, but they are more intelligent (though probably not sapient), have larger brains, functional reproductive systems, and are somewhat larger (24-34 pounds). The greasy boys are still picking through the bodies, but the current kill count on those is around sixteen, so not even close to common.

Examining weedle that were separated from their hive, it appears that weedle are much more likely to develop into princesses when they are not exposed to queen pheromones when in kakuna stage. This, along with the fact that beedrill can recombine their own genes into two sets of chromosomes in offspring, and you wind up at the nightmarish reality that it only takes one fucking weedle to start a hive, which can explode into a two-hundred strong hive in less than a month. You have to be thorough.

Queens are simple- one per hive, absolutely fucking massive- We're talking about a sixty something pound bug, with a large abdomen, active reproductive systems, and a larger brain- not human intelligence, but maybe sapient. The easiest way to find a queen is to figure out where the fuckers don't want you to be, and then kill everything in that direction.

Biologically, beedrill that previously had extensive contact with humans seem to also be different- they can potentially grow the full size of sixty pounds quickly, and have actual brains, (not that they bother to use them, they're still dominated by pheromones, but they can be more crafty in how they go about their orders).

Funnily enough, the scientists have concluded that everything other than the kakuna is edible with simple preparation- cut off the head of the weedle (the back stinger is evidently a decoy, that only serves to scare away potential predators, and to hook onto trees), the arms of the beedril, and carefully cut around and pull out the stinger, and the poison sack will follow. We haven't tried I on the queens- but it stands to reason that the same would apply to them, after eggs are removed or exterminated.

The honey is also edible with simple preparation; salt, sugar, and heat can render the present toxins inert, and it appears that there is some immunity to it (estimates are at 20% of the population). Now as to why you would want to put that Arceus forsaken shit in your mouth is beyond me, but I've been fed worse.

* * *

 **Psychology and Sociology: '** Psychology' is such a fucking misnomer and just typing that subject line makes me want to shit myself laughing. Social complexity of anything except for the royals sits at a solid 0. The drones don't have a brain, or even neural modules for higher processing, and the only neural growth of significant note is the at the antennae - to say these things are a _'hive mind'_ wouldn't be inaccurate- everything they do is guided by pheromones. Anything that moves that doesn't excrete a pheromone? Catch it and bring it to the queen. Smell a mortis hormone on something? Kill it and bring it to the queen. Queen sends out distress hormones? Head to the queen, kill everything around the queen, and bring it to the queen.

That's not the only thing they do though- all beedrill are able to communicate with differing levels of complexity by vibrating their wings at different speeds.

As an aside, they also do the actual nectar collection, but processing the nectar into honey relies entirely on the workers.

Workers are slightly higher functioning, but equally restricted. For starters, they can't wander more than a half mile from the nest- they have an extremely strong addiction to queen pheromones, and if they are away for more than a few hours they go into a withdrawal so severe they go catatonic. They aren't as innately aggressive; they are mostly builders and hive watchers. All they ever do is build the hive (The two hives I saw were drastically different, they aren't picky with materials mud, wood, leaves- anything they can slap together, they will), make the honey, and so on and so on. I didn't get a chance to observe them until I was actually in the hive, so I don't know the specifics, but it's safe to say the intricacies of their behaviors are also pheromone driven- probably with regards to the walls of the hive itself.

Princesses…they act differently, both when fighting, and socially. For starters, all of the ones that we recovered were born in a very short amount of time- given that there is only one queen, it's safe to assume that princesses that mature to a certain amount are either expelled from the hive or killed. Reviewing combat footage knowing which were which, behavioral differences become obvious. These ones hang back, rally workers, and are the only ones that attempted to flee. They were smart enough to try and sneak behind me and get up to all kinds of nightmarish terror tactics that I will discuss later.

We aren't sure what to make of the queens. They acted like most of the other women in my life; content to let everything else die before it, stooped to taking hostages, and also didn't really start to panic until I was choking them. When they did fight, there's not much to say- it was big and it was fast, but it just charged straight in, and died like the bitch it was.

Comparing the princesses and queens between hives, we get a good idea of exactly what happens- the differences between princesses and queens are purely maturity- the older queen was less able to produce pheromones, and lacked the ability to control the workers as well- especially the princesses. The princesses are born in clutches at random, and are allowed to grow up until the point the queen considers them to be both unnecessary and a threat, and then they are killed or expelled- either by the queen using pheromones to control them or by siccing her attack dogs on them.

Once queens grow to an age where their pheromones begin to dwindle, they don't have the authority to expel the Princesses. The princesses probably then duke it out, like a bunch of fucking teenage drama queens, where the one with the horniest perfume using her influence to tear apart her opponents, the queen, and then place themselves on the wax throne, and then the cycle repeats itself.

Hive sizes vary- in the first one there was enough pieces left for about 250 beedrill, and the second one had enough pieces for about 300. One of the princesses in the first hive wound up fleeing while I burned the shithole down, and I attempted to pursue it for two days, to keep it from establishing a new hive.

When I caught up I wished I hadn't. The hive it fled to was massive- like someone stacked two football stadiums on top of each other, and I went through four hundred rounds of ammunition before being overwhelmed and pulling back. Estimates, comparing sizes of the hives find that there were probably around TWO-THOUSAND fucking wasps in that fucking thing.

I got the bitch though.

Worth noting that behaviors are slightly different with previously trained Beedrill- social complexity isn't completely lost on them. No, they still feel fear and can communicate and strategize and region a bit better, but the pheromones make everything else worth jack shit. Just come out to be beedrill that are pissing themselves while they throw themselves at your relentlessly in ways that aren't completely fucking retarded.

* * *

 **Combat:** I haven't been this excited to think about killing something I lost custody. Thankfully, by now I have a good idea of exactly where to hit these things.

Weedle don't pose much of a threat if you're paying attention, they are slow, and their stingers don't have insanely high penetration (a thick pair of jeans offer decent protection and increase your chances of not getting stung). The biggest threat is that either they sneak up on you in a fight (to no credit of their own), or if they attack you in your down time- when you're sleeping or resting. Best way to avoid risking them getting behind you in combat is to push forward extremely slowly in a fight, so you don't walk past them. To avoid getting stung while sleeping, don't sleep on the ground, and to avoid them while camping, carefully clear the ground in your area of debris, and keep fires burning.

Kakuna aren't worth mentioning, metapod could at least blend in and move a little bit, Kakuna get neither of those things. If you can hit as hard as my in laws, you can put them in the ground pretty easy. Course, they're only going to be huddled up in those hives, and hard to get to. There's a solution for that though, one of my favorites. It starts with an 'F' and rhymes with 'Fire', and when you throw these fuckers into one the smell of it will make you smile.

(Outside of the hives, they tend to hang in trees, in large groups, but whenever you see one, take it out. Whatever it takes.)

Beedrill are where things get messy, as you might expect. Different degrees of intelligence, but for most of those the range of potential actions are "Charge in a straight line through enemy fire to your death." And "Charge in zigzags through enemy fire and try to surround them."

Thing is, if you fight one of them, chances are, you're going to fight all of them. When you kill them, their bodies release a post mortem pheromone that signals danger/prey to the rest of the hive, moving them to action.

Course, you can use this.

Ratings:

Beedril: On their own, .2 IU's, in a group a 1:1, .5 GU's, for an entire hive, 6 GU's. There's not a whole lot more than I can say about these, they charge you and they die. Which is pretty fucking disappointing. Now, bad news of course, is you have to watch out for those fucking stingers, which will skewer you like a godamn tepig or inject you with all kinds of fucking nasty that I described earlier. They will typically start with the long arm looking things, and then try to get you with the one on their ass, which has the largest poison sac.

Not a whole lot of ways these things will engage you- they have two modes; hit and run, and swarm, and as such, will be considered under the following conditions; 1) One soldier being attacked by between 1 and 4 away from the hive, 2) Being attacked by between eight and thirty, and 3) assaulting a hive.

Modus operandi for the middling bitches is to spread out over large areas around the hive, find you, sting you, run off before you can retaliate, let the poison do the dirty work, and then come back and invite you over to meet her family with an offer you can't refuse. Now, this is no joke; the things can come at you at over 25 miles an hour at you once you've caught their attention, and from there it doesn't take long to turn you into a shit-kabob. Good news is that you can hear them coming, and they don't try to evade very hard, so you can spin and put a round in them before they get to you nine times out of ten, and half of the tenth time you can kill the thing with your bare hands if you're careful, though I'd recommend at least using some kind of stick. If there's more than one of them, just repeat murder fuck all of them and run.

It's worth noting that I've had the nerds looking into the beedrill non-hostile pheromones though, and we should be able to artificially synthesize them, which would be very helpful for scouts. Won't actually help you when you're actively getting fucked up by the bees, but can be applied to keep them from sniffing you out. You know, use protection.

I need to make sure you heard me right before; I think you heard me say "retreat", but no, what I said was "Run". As fast as you can possibly can and faster. When Beedrill are killed by means of breaching their exoskeleton (basically, by anything short of fire or poison), they release pheromones that get every fucking beedril in the whole fucking hive running out of every crack and crevice like fucking demon cockroaches on Christmas morning. They die just as easy, and they run at you in straight fucking lines, but if you're already in your territory you might already be surrounded, and you have a whiskey's chance in Galar of getting away.

If you're on your own, you're fucked. Sure, they don't all come at once, but they do all come, and at one point you'll probably be facing down thirty at a time. Your best chance of getting away is to light a fire- like most big types, smoke will fuck them up real quick, and can slow them enough to get your ass out of there.

If you're in a group, your best chance is to draw a line, watch each other's backs, and hope that they run out of bodies before you run out of bullets. Retreat slowly if you have the balls, but simple fact is that the more you kill, the more pheromones are released, and the more of the annoying fuckers you'll be fighting.

It is in my ever-so-fucking humble opinion that the best way to deal with this threat is prevention; scout areas ahead of time and determine where the hives are, so we can handle them on your terms. Play nice with the forest animals, so they'll come to us when they find a hive so we can nip it in the bud before it escalates into an honest to God fucking nightmare.

How would you do this, you ask?

Easiest way is to drop nape or chemical weapons on their hives at night with aircraft; they can't fly high enough to take on a bomber due to lack of oxygen. Have sentries sitting around the hive lighting fires and shooting anything that gets away.

That being said, it's not very environmentally 'friendly' (to which I would reply, "The environment isn't"), but sometimes you'll have to recue abducted civilians, which I can respect, and also have an answer.

Typical foraging range looks to be around five miles. Get as many of your boys dug in on one side of the hive in a defensive formation, while having a smaller group sit back right out of foraging range. Have the main group sit around until a beedrill comes along, kill it, and wait. Most of the workers will begin to concentrate on their position, and after a couple of hours most of the hive will have thrown itself at you. Have the boys sent around to flank the hive advance in the back while the large force encircles the hive and lights fires to catch any weedle or beedrill that attempt to make a break for it, while the flanking force does the godamn nasty, fuckugly room clearing that thinking about keeps your average joe up at night. Fan out, but never break into groups of four, clear the rooms, secure the abductees, and put the queen bitch down.

Good news about the hive clearing is that it's mostly workers, princesses, and the queen bitch herself. Bad news is it's in a close-quarters, messy, house of horrors; and not the fun kind that makes kids and unovans scream. You're talking about workers on the walls, workers in the walls, weedle in the floor, and the second queen I took on actually came at me through a wall.

The people you send on the flanking mission should be well equipped, well armored, hyper aware, HARD fuckers. The princesses can get up to some seriously fucked up shit- hostages, throwing injured civilians and children at you only for them to explode in a mess of weedle that all try to kill you, and all sorts of other kinds of fuckery that I don't want to mention.

Civilian retrieval should be attended to carefully, you know, since the monsters can pop out of a sweet old lady at a moment's notice and try to kill you. After busting them out of the honey combs you can decrease the chances of this by applying general anesthetics prior to transportation, and all infected persons should be transported off site in some sort of body bag. The nerds developed a way to facilitate determining lost causes on site, by measuring the amount of beedrill estrogens present in their blood, so you can separate the wheat from the chaff, and handle the dirty work on site instead of transporting them to a safe location where they can potentially infect other people. Better to keep the burning bodies away from civilization; nobody needs that smell to haunt them in their own home.

* * *

 **Freaks:**

Mega hives: Right, these. These things are effectively a hive times six. They show up out of nowhere, stick around just barely stable for a few months, in which time they purge the area of anything good and holy, and then they collapse in all their buggy glory. I managed to find a guy that had been inside one of these on the offensive (old pal of mine, that got it into his head that the devil was in Johto burning down cities, and decided it was open season), and he said that the inside was a damn maze, complete with fucking pitfalls, hidden closets for the bugs to hide in, etcetera.

I'm gonna mark these up at **3ME'S a piece**. I'm a badass, but two-thousand wasps is effectively a full regiment of very fast insects charging you like it's fucking banzai season. I'm good, but I would need some serious prep-work to take that on.

Or three of me. By God, imagine if there were three of me.

Best way to handle these I figure is to set up checkpoints around the area, with flamethrowers and all that fun shit, and observe the thing until it looks like the whole damn thing falls apart. They seem to be volatile based on my source- the one he saw showed up in a couple of days and fell apart in a month. Better to stand by and kick them while they're down.

Mega-Beedril: Remember the days when we didn't have to worry about these fuckers randomly form shifting and fucking us up? Fuck, I miss those days.

Alright, mega beedrill. First thing you have to notice is that the fuckers are fast- they max out at seventy miles an hour over short distances, fast enough to come in and fuck up a platoon and get out before they can figure out what's killing them. Even better, those new stingers aren't just for show- things are reinforced by carbon nanotubules, and at that speed they can punch through Kevlar and even steel plate inserts. My source says they're smarter than the others, but I don't have any evidence to back that up.

Good news is that you can kill them with a punch, or by arm barring them as they fly past you, or stepping forward while they try to hit you, or smoke grenades or AOE weapons. Damn things are made of paper, and it shows, so if you can figure out what's coming for you, you can handle it fairly well.

For these things, if I don't see it coming, I'd rate them at **1.5 ME's** , if I see it coming though, only .5 ME's. I wouldn't bet I'd see them coming though.

Queens: I figure I should make a distinction here. Queens can weigh between sixty and eighty pounds, can go forty miles an hour at short distances, can run through wood like it's made of paper, and have all the ugly tricks the princesses have, plus an entire hive at their command. These are hopefully gonna be the last thing you kill in the hive, if only cause trying to go at them while being swarmed by a bunch of the drones. Still, aside from that, they're just as frail. I clubbed the first one to death with a mace easily even after it got a jump on me, and second one I killed in one round to the body while it was hiding behind hostages. I'll rate this at 2 IU's on their own, but of course, you'll have to wipe out the whole hive to get to them.

* * *

 **Summary:**

 **Extreme Caution is Advised when traveling in areas where weedle have been seen previously:** Best treatment is prevention. Never take off your boots, never sleep on the ground, never sit around an area with debris, no, no, no.

 **Reconnaissance is advised to locate and confirm presence or absence of beedrill in habitats that are acceptable to them:** How a soldier should be equipped and should operate in areas with beedrill and areas without is fundamentally different. Preparation for hive disposal should be a priority upon arrival of soldiers in a location where beedrill presence is confirmed, as hives are a destabilizing factor that can evolve rapidly and can dictate major regional changes with their presence.

 **Biowarfare should be explored:** Knowing how these things work, at a glance I can see several avenues to exploit in taking these fucks out of the picture, permanently. Could be as simple as a virus that changes the toxin so it doesn't inhibit the weedle stem cells, and the things die of cancer. Could be something that destroys their ability to produce or detect pheromones, and they just tear themselves to pieces. Or any other number of painful and unethical ways to drive these things into the ground, and as far as I'm concerned, anyone that complains can join them there.

 **Good relations with Butterfree are encouraged:** To the end of managing the threat, especially with regards to those larger hives. All relevant information can be gathered from their section.

 **Treatment for Weedle Infection exists:** Though not with the degree of efficiency that can be considered acceptable. But infection is not the end, and the infected should be made aware of that so they don't go and do anything stupid. What protocols you put in place for dealing with the infected is up to you.

 **Further Treatment Should be Explored:** This…rot will be hard to root out. Depending on the state of Kanto, we could be fighting these things for years, or decades. Further treatments to inhibit Weedle Generating Cells should be explored, as well as means of producing pheromones to trick them, and better ways of treating people implanted with eggs.

 **Elimination of Hives should be a Priority:** By the means outlined above. Nipping them in the bud can make the difference between a casual make out session and a full-on test of your manly prowess. Remember: We fight them in their homes so they don't fight us in ours. Think of the children and all that shit.

 **Mega Hives Should be Avoided and Allowed to Collapse:** Simple fact is that the resources required would be ugly and not worth it. The Pocket Monsters don't need any help tearing themselves to pieces, just give them time and mop up the survivors.

 **Not a Single Survivor:** Like divorce courts, you must be extremely thorough in making sure there is nothing left. A single weedle can explode into a hive in a month and you're right back to square one. All the more reason to play nice with the locals and arrange patrols to keep an eye out for any survivors of the godless little shits.

 **Not the Bees:** As it happens, I now have in my possession a very long, very violent and gory, very inflammatory combat cam about one person single handedly wiping out over five hundred of these things on my own, and every, dirty, nasty and horrific thing that goes on in these hives. This video is a powder keg waiting to go up, but while it is very, very tempting to drop this off at the nearest news outlet and watch the entire region whip itself into a frenzy, now's not the fucking time. I will send this to you to review on your own time, and release at THE critical moment, after serious editing. It is a massive propaganda opportunity. Having people roaring to go kill everything with more than two legs could be useful, but what we want is public support, not public riots.

I wouldn't even be giving this to you if I thought I could do it myself, but I will likely be out of contact for the foreseeable future. I have my own shit to get in order, and it looks like things are more fucked up than anything we could have imagined. I have my own things to put in motion.

 **-ME**


	7. Chapter 7: Pidgey, Pidgeotto, Pidgeot

Business has slowed to a sad limp. The nerds have shat their pants hard enough from the whole fuckin beedril shitshow and have decided to finally take their dicks out of their hands and actually make an effort to get in shape en masse, and it's about fucking time- a quarter of them look like the kinda slobs that have sex with their shirts on, and the other half look like I could snap them in half with a fucking sneeze.

It also probably helped when the security staff stole all their towels. Or that time they shrunk all their labcoats to be form fitting. Perhaps with or without consulting me first.

There're two kinds of people in this world- show them eighty godamn nerds struggling to do pushups on their knees, and you'll have the ones that laugh and the ones that cry.

Actually getting to the shit that matters, we are actually starting to get to the shit that matters. If I had my fucking way we would have started with this bunch of monsters, seeing as they're a dime a dozen across Johto and Kanto. Hell, pidgey were easy to pick up in here at home with local farms. Good news is we have enough information to write a fucking book, and we got it cheaply. Bad news is that said book would make less sense than Kalosian drama, and nobody with any sense of self-respect would read it.

Simple fact of the matter is that compared to beedril shit, compared to most of the things covered so far, pidgey look like flying snacks, pidgeotto look like pests, and pidgeot are rare enough that you probably do wind up fighting one then someone upstairs has it out for you and wants to mount your balls above their fireplace. So, because they are the birdiest fucking birds you could ask for, let's keep this brief.

* * *

 **Basic Information:** The pidgey line is an extremely prolific flying-normal type, three-stage line in the flying egg category. Pidgey, Pidgeotto, and Pidgeot are very common in any place Kanto, Johto, Kalos, and Alola with either trees or statues and park benches to shit on. They are found most commonly in Kanto, Johto, and Kalos, but are typically found in most regions as minimum as livestock, including a particular subspecies here in Orre- known as the, and I shit you not; Fat Pidgey.

Pidgey typically weigh between two and four pounds, and account for the largest number of organisms in this line. Pidgeot are much less common but can still be found consistently in the forests of their native regions, and weigh between sixteen and thirty-five pounds. Pidgeot are extremely rare, and you'll know them when you see them; being between sixty and seventy pounds, with the largest on record coming in at a whopping eighty-six and a half pounds.

* * *

 **Biology:** If you really need to be lectured on this shit, look at the fucking diagram that some poor desk jockey inserted in here while agonizing over the state of his marriage and feeling emasculated next to all the big boys that get to go out and kill everything in this fucking hellscape, and then probably eat it to.

The residents of the pidgey line are, frankly speaking, birds, and in my correct opinion, the birdiest of fucking birds you can possibly get. All pokemon that you see in this bird-category are typically going to share the cast majority of their morphology and physiology with one another. If you want to see their muscle structure, go to a supermarket and buy a rotisserie pidgey. You want to see what a pidgeotto looks like? Take a pidgey and scale it up ten times. Want to know what a pidgeot looks like? Well, if you don't already, don't worry about it, because your sheltered ass is going to be so badly decomposed after being killed by dozens of other more common and more concerning threats that by the time you come within miles of one it won't even want to look at you.

I wish I could give you a funny story, a particular perk that makes them pop when you poke them in the right place, but no cigar. It's a bird, and it has bird parts; beaks, talons, wings, hollow bones, sharp eyes, decent ears, and an anus that starts dripping whenever they start to fly over anything of relative cultural significance, for reasons starting with 'F' and rhyming with 'Fuck You."

* * *

 **History:** Most history behind these birds is pretty recent. Back in the day they represented a weak and easily acquired prey animal for humans throughout history, but only in the last two-hundred years, with the discovery of the "Fat" phenotype did they become a reliable livestock animal, which can be found just about anywhere in the world, with Unova having a massive export of it, and Pidgey accounting for about forty percent of all livestock raised in Orre. However, they have served as messenger animals in the Union landmass for at least four-hundred years.

A more niche example of their historical significance can be found in falconry. To this day, Pidgeot holds the record highest speed at a single instant in time, and it's fucking silly. 1400 mph, in a single instant. Conditions: terminal velocity, in addition to four uses of agility, in addition to certain performance enhancing drugs, in addition to incredibly favorable tailwinds, in the most genetically… the word of the fucking nerd here that actually cares about falconry says that the breeders responsible for the fucking godless beast described it as being 'Genetically Perfect', whatever the fuck that is supposed to mean.

Funny thing is that they should have taught it how to land better. The damned thing tried to pull up so fast that its wings got torn off and it went splat onto the pavement. The entire endeavor bankrupted the breeding family, and they had to be bailed out by selling their remaining stock to another breeding family that focused on normal types, and had to marry into another flying type family…I'm not going to pretend to understand the whole fucking thing. It just had me laughing my ass off.

* * *

 **Psychology and Sociology:** Psychology wise you're looking at another case of true neutral; don't fuck with them and they won't fuck with you. Their intelligence isn't all that impressive, but pidgey are easy to train and can recognize patterns given time, pidgeotto are capable of planning, and pidgeot- even with low social complexity- can develop intelligence comparable to that of most non-primate mammals, and with high social complexity can achieve the higher ends of primate intelligence.

Now, sociology is more complicated, because it makes; No. Godamn. Sense. For starters, the way they act seems to fly in the face of- and take a massive shit on- observation theory of social complexity. You will find pidgey of all stripes and inclinations; some will cannibalize one another, some won't, some will travel in groups, some will avoid one another like the plague, some will migrate, some will spend their entire lives in one forest.

The best we can do is throw together a mixed bag of how we've seen them interact with one another, with regards to combat situations.

Other than that…they represent an easy to tame and train companion pokemon for the front lines. Unlike Caterpie, they don't breed at an exorbitant rate, and they can potentially raise a stable food source in the form of eggs (though they might not take much pleasure in the fate of their fat brethren.).

* * *

 **Combat:** On their own, the worst a typical pidgey can do to a man is give him indigestion. They can go…decently fast, you're not going to be able to outrun one, but their attack options are limited to blowing a gust of wind in your face, blowing a bigger gust of wind in your face, pecking you, and scratching at you with their developed talons. Even better, whenever they are first at risk in conflict they try to kick sand in your eyes and run- and if there is a single godamn Orrean that can be dissuaded from good meal by a bit of sand in his eyes, I never want to see him.

Pidgeotto are pidgey that ate their Wheaties, and they know it. They are territorial to the tune of 20 miles around their nest, and 60 miles for hunting, and while they tolerate natives, they don't care for foreigners much, so if you're walking through the woods alone, there's a good chance it'll come down on you…so it's a good thing that you have a-hundred and twenty pounds on them. Their weapon of choice is one all my fellow divorcies are familiar with-claws. Still, they aren't likely to attack unless you're a particularly juicy target, or are being an inordinately out of proportion dick. If you want to be REALLY safe, don't go it alone, and within a couple weeks they'll be acclimated with you.

Pidgeot are probably the most dangerous thing on this list that you're likely to ever see, but they aren't particularly aggressive, definitely not as aggressive as their younger pidgeotto counterparts. Now, people seem to think that Pidgeot are the shit, specifically because of that Mach 2 story, and it's perpetuated by the pokedex. People forget to mention that the pokemon went splat at the end. Most pidgeot are going to have a dive speed of around 150 miles per hour, and a flight speed of about 120 miles per hour not accounting unnatural status enhancement. Not to mention that both of those speeds are brief, because to be blunt, the big chickens don't have a much better reaction time than you or I, if they attempted to go that fast they'd run into a tree before long, or go splat against the ground. In actual combat, outside of the initial dives, they typically move and maneuver at around forty miles per hour at low altitude, and sixty miles per hour at higher altitudes.

Tricky thing about pidgeot is that unlike their predecessors, they have a competent alternative to attack outside of scratching you. All of them are old enough to have learned agility, they can use some kind of magic bullshit to summon actual, honest to God tornadoes, talons that can tear your head off, and that's not mentioning the fact that they can swoop down, pick up children, and fly away with them.

Again, good news, is that they are rare, and usually won't. Pidgeotto start to get uppity whenever one of their brethren gets strong enough to outcompete them well enough to have their chance to evolve, and potential pidgeot can wind up dead before they get to that point. The current Game and Wildlife records in the union mark a population density of roughly one every 250 square miles in Kanto, and one every 280 square miles in Johto.

Everything except the intestines are easily edible.

Ratings:

Pidgey: Fucking cute. .1 IU, and anyone who tells you otherwise needs to reach down and remind themselves they have a pair. They are typically not aggressive, prefer flight to fight, they suck at combat, and have a limited number of options for combat. You can swat the damned things out of the air, if you felt so inclined.

Pidgeotto: Harder to say- I'd put them at .5 IU's, just by virtue of the fact that they'll actually attack you and can still mangle you pretty bad with those talons if you're not careful. That being said, you could break them with two good punches, so it's not that large of a concern.

Pidgeot: Fuck. 50 IU's, 4 GU's, or .2 ME's. Simple fact of the matter is that you're never going to be on the offensive with these things, at least, not without a hell of a trap. Good news is that a single shot is going to make it crumble in on itself, bad news is, you're almost certainly not getting that shot. In the opening parts of any probably combat scenario you're going to be minding your damn business, and you're not going to see it coming. While it can't maintain those crazy speeds within combat, they can enter combat in them, and when they do, if you're on your own, you're more or less boned. Orrean armor doesn't provide adequate protection everywhere, and these thing's eyes' can pick out your weak points and tear them out of you in one swoop. Even if you were talon proof, the damn thing is just gonna lift you in the air, go up a couple hundred feet, and then try to teach you to fly….and we haven't even talked about those tornadoes yet.

Fuck, there's a few ways that you can run into these, because, as said previously, they don't fall into a single social structure. 1,2, and 3 will cover them individually, 4 will cover groups of pidgey containing pidgetto, 5 will contain groups made up entirely of pidgeotto, and 6 will cover groups containing pidgeot, Arceus help your sorry ass.

1) I'm here to tell you how to deal with threats, not hold your hand while I wipe your ass.

2) Pidgeotto are more problematic because they are more aggressive- but no matter the circumstances behind an engagement, they'll typically always boil down to the same thing- they'll attempt to gain altitude in order to attempt to dive at your face, or they'll attempt to use moderately powerful gusts to knock you off balance, and attempt to approach at moderate speeds. Either way, the answer is obvious- cover your face and neck, and then either wrangle it as it's swiping out you or shoot at it while it's ascending. It'll hurt like hell, but better to have a skinned arm than plucked eyes. If you were really smart, you'd immediately put yourself in a position where it would be difficult for it to dive at you from. Again, good news is that they can't tear through metal, so if you can get them to run into your body armor, well, that's a game ender.

3) Pidgeot…fuck. Best way to handle these is prevention, as per usual. Maintain good intel, and whenever you think there's one nearby, do as little to piss one off as you can. If you do piss one off? Best you can do is maintain high situational awareness, and put yourself in positions that limits their approach. If you survive the initial attack, congratulations, the worst part is behind you, and now is your best chance to try shooting the damn thing, before it gets a chance to open it's bag of tricks. If it were just me, I wouldn't bother trying to block it, I'd be aware enough to see it coming and fire to force it to break off its approach, for the rest of you, those high explosive grenades would probably dissuade it if you threw it straight up in the air, even if you didn't hit it. After that, run for cover, keep an eye out, and simply shoot and outlast it- like Pidgeotto, they'll use the big time gusts to knock you around a bit, leaving you exposed to follow up attacks, but if your position is good enough, it won't be able to kill you before you get a lucky hit, and as soon as you get that hit in, your chances increase dramatically. If you're in a group; spread out so you're all eight feet apart in positions with cover above, and preferably to the sides, use terrain to limit possible approaches, set up your firing lanes, and hope that you get it before it gets all your pals. Like pidgeotto, they can't tear through metal, but they will target you where you're unarmored, but if you're really fast and really clever, you can get it to hurt itself pretty badly on your plate inserts.

4) Pidgey can sometimes grow a pair if there's a pidgeotto in their ranks. To help them out- they'll typically use diversionary moves to create openings for their more dangerous counterparts to get you with- whether that's kicking up sand at you to obscure your vision, or use gusts to knock you off balance or give it a tailwind. The gusts aren't particularly dangerous- they're brief, lasting about half a second, and are not going to knock over anything with more than one leg with good balance. For your average child, it would take at least three pidgey working together to knock him over, for your average grown man it would probably take around eight, assuming competency. If you're on your own, better to take out the pidgey first, while limiting the pidgeotto's approach, as if you kill a few they'll run off on their own, and then it's just a matter of outlasting the big bird. If you're in a group, just ignore the distractions- they can't hold up all of you unless you are seriously outnumbered, then it's just a matter of taking out the big one before they disperse on their own.

5) Fighting a group composed entirely out of pidgeotto is an application of chaos. They don't have any greater tactic than not hitting one another, and they'll merely act entirely independently of one another (again, this is what is typical, and there are no guarantees on how these birds interact with one another). That means you're going to be getting pushed around by two gusts while another dive's you, be picking sand out of your eyes from one of them while two go for your eyes, etcetera. Good news is that this means that if you outnumber them one for one, you can take them more or less in the exact same way as you'd take them individually, just being a bit more aware of your surrounding. Bad news is that if you're outnumbered, well, it's pure fucking chaos, and it's difficult to make any headway, and they act this way because it _works_. The best thing you can do is not play their fucking game- whatever you have to do, using grenades to block off their approach or disrupt their flight, being careful with your cover, and generally doing whatever you can to make the fight as inconvenient, unnatural, and scary as you possibly can. If you hold out long enough there's a good chance that some will peel off and give up, or that they'll start nailing one another with friendly fire.

6) Finding a situation where you fight one of these is a chore, finding a situation where you're going to fight one of these after they decide to whip up all of their neighbors into fighting you is what happens when you race down shit's creek. On your own, just put as many bullets down range as you can between you and them and run. If you have anything less than fifty men, see above. If you have more than fifty men, then dig in, put as many bullets between you and the flock of turkeys that want to peck your eyes out, and dig in. Kill enough of the pidgeotto and pidgey, and hope that their losses are enough to convince them to peel off.

* * *

 **Freaks:**

Mega Pidgeot: Fuck. As if your typical, hundred mile an hour pidgeon capable of summoning gusts capable of throwing a fully armored soldier around like a ragdoll wasn't enough, you have these…things. Looking at combat footage we have of them, it looks like the biggest changes between them and their 'normal' counterparts concern speed, strength, and behavior. Think along the lines of some 20% faster, but twice as strong with regards to that wind bullshit- footage shows those gales picking up a steelix and throwing it clear of the battlefield, so, naturally, they're going to favor using the ability to summon motherfucking tornadoes over using their claws, which changes their approach to combat fundamentally- namely, when they're attacking, it's practically impossible to miss, because they stand still. On the other hand, they never miss. Here's what it boils down to- if you can somehow spot it before it hits you, your infantry squad, your armored division, your entrenched supply depot, and/or your aircraft carrier, you can shoot it out of the sky easily. If not, sucks to be you. I'm rating this one at a **.5 ME's** if I can see it coming, but a solid **1.5 ME's** if it gets the jump on me.

Fat pidgey: I have to say, this one made it on the list as a technicality- look at them, they're so fucking fat it's ridiculous. How in the fuck did evolution not put these things in the ground? 0 ME's. For that matter, 0 IU's too. They're docile, can't fly, and the only difference between them and their healthy counterparts is that they have a leptin deficiency that means they'll never stop eating. Still godamn delicious.

* * *

 **Summary:**

 **Domestication should be attempted whenever possible:** They suit multiple purposes- pidgey eggs are laid more frequently than most others, and provide a food option. They can be trained to be non-migratory, meaning you can tie them to specific settlements, simple things like that.

 **With regards to flocks, good relations should be explored whenever possible:** Flocks can be either migratory or non-migratory, and the species as a whole is fractious- meaning they typically won't take offense to actions against other pidgey outside of their flock, for example, fat pidgey livestock. For the migratory ones it means having a constant buffer and a reliable, autonomous scouting group that requires little oversight. In the case of non-migratory flocks, it means having another friendly neighbor that can be propped up against the beedril menace, and a constant buffer zone against hostile forces. Once reclamation of johto is well underway, well, rice is cheap, and we should be able to feed a few flocks on excess food stores.

 **Fat pidgey remain a reliable source of livestock:** Despite losing almost all of the limited livestock we had. Fat pidgey, thankfully, are weak enough that they didn't really do…anything. So food and pidgey eggs are still on the menu, along with the rest of them. From our current understanding, wild pidgey shouldn't be offended by this, typically, and if any are, we can just kill them and replace them with ones that aren't.

 **Wild individual pidgey are an easily obtainable source of food in the wild:** Not much to say on this point- it's true.

 **Don't settle alone in areas in which pidgeotto reside:** And when you do, stay vigilant for the first two weeks, until they become acclimated to you.

 **Locations and tendencies of pidgeot should be documented whenever information arises:** Typically are rational actors, or at least, as rational as pokemon get. They could be useful for later, so making contact with them, establishing a census of them, and perhaps tagging them so we can call upon them later we require a flock to be raised (after making our benevolence known, of course) would be prudent.

 **Best method for fighting pidgeot is attritional warfare:** see above.

 **-ME**


End file.
